Some Movies Should Not Be Made

Hard to follow the anatomical discussions we've had around here lately, but after seeing the trailer for Ghost Rider I felt compelled to post something. I'm not really sure how Hollywood works, but I'm pretty sure a bunch of guys like us sit around and come up with "great ideas". I'll leave the great ideas in quotes because I think you all know how some of these "great ideas" work out. Like the time, Miguel decided to take a trip into the desert alone. Now I'm not going to lay anything at his feet, I'm just trying to frame this right. So there's a bunch of guys that sit around in Hollywood and act as the arbiters for new movie ideas. "Great ideas" like having Bruce Willis play harmonica in a movie. "Great ideas" like having Steven Segal make any more motion pictures. Any. More. Please stop. By my count, he's got 2 already released this calendar year and 4; 4; 4; in production. Those are to be released this year. That may be a record actually. Oh, and he's got one filming for next year. To add insult to injury, when Big Steve isn't saving Eskimos/young ladies/kicking bad guy ass/eating, he's layin' down some mean chops in his (I shit you not) blues band. Does Steve have no one that will tell him the truth?
Then there's poor Wesley Snipes. He was great in Blade and The Art of War. Short on talk big on ass kicking. Let's check the book to see Wesley's '06 stats. Ah! What do you know! Wesley is hot on Big Steve's tail with 3 released this year, 1 more in production for this year and 2 already lined up for 2007. We're talking hundreds of dollars for Wesley here based on Detonator, The Marksman and 7 Seconds. By the way, I actually fast forwarded through 7 Seconds to the end. That's how bad the movie was. But I digress.
This brings me to two movies that don't need to be made. #1 Roadhouse 2: Last Call. That's right kids, Roadhouse 2 because the original Roadhouse was so good. Really, Jake Busey as the bad guy? C'mon. Even the movie preview guy with the cool voice was probably like, "Are you freakin' kidding me? I have to read this crap?" Of course, I'll see it anyway, because it has to be seen, the Swayze or no.
Which brings us back to Ghost Rider. If there's one thing that really gets me in the 21st Century it's too much CGI. Not only that, by the looks of the trailer, we can also tack on my second pet peeve: cheesy CGI. Here's the deal, if you can't get an actor to play the main character but have to use CGI for a good portion of the movie, it's a kid's movie. Just animate that shit and release it as such. Comic books are comic books for a reason. If you have a completely CGI character like the Hulk, or say Ghost Rider, why do you even bother signing on as an actor. What the hell was Nick Cage thinking? And Sam "No One Can Grow A 'Stache Like Me, Bitch" Elliot reading the voice over? Well, I think you know. The movie preview guy quit after reading too many for Big Steve, Wesley, and the straw that broke his back, Roadhouse 2.

In Keeping With the Editorial Direction of this Endeavor...

...here is a picture of my package:


Even more exciting than owning a turquoise-and-yellow banana hammock is the knowledge that I will now receive the International Male catalog (and, one can only hope, its subsidiaries such as the swimsuit edition of "Gear") for the rest of my goddamn life. I guess it's a rite of passage to incur such a fate at the hands of one of you pricks, so thanks. Thanks for that.

By my calculations, we've had three cock-related posts in a row by three different authors. That leaves only one. He knows who he is. Care to make it a straight* flush?

*Note: there is nothing straight about any of this. I'm off to shave my taint. Although, it's a little scary that I'm less hairy than Dylan's Joy of Sex Brand Lifelike Vagina. Seriously, was the Internet closed that day? Did you find that on DARPANET?

What's in a name?

Apparently the guys have some reservations about posting after Dylan dropped his literary bomb on us. I too must admit that I have some concerns; I mean how do you follow up a post that includes a sex toy and a large picture of a swarthy vagina? You really can’t, so this post will just be filler in order to provide a buffer between that post and the others.

That said I will tell you all a tale of my childhood and the time that I caught my man member in the zipper of my footy pajamas. Yes, its true way before Something about Marry, a young boy was zipping up after a bathroom break and did the unthinkable. First off, don’t give me any shit about wearing footy pajamas, because if you were born in the 70s in any state that had a real winter you wore footy pajamas… period. Now, you could ask why at such a young age I was already going commando, but the answer is simple, I’ve always been hard core.

Anyway, so I guess what had happened is I got a little careless with the zipper in my haste to get back to watching the Super Friends. (Ah, that Zan and Jayna, I’m just glad they’re on our side.) Id like to say that it’s a good thing scrotum are already wrinkly… because at least that way there’s a little give. (which reminds me, and forgive the tangent but I think I’ve pretty much perfected the Goat, and the Silk purse and have now moved on to the Bat wing, in preparation for this summers festivities… don’t let me catch you staring.)

On yet another side note the girl and I were talking the other day and she said it was BS that my main man has so many names while the fairer sex does not. I said that for a long time I’ve called him Jimmy Johnson because its seems the most appropriate, if you recall during the late 80s the Big Johnson shirts were all the rage with rural Americans and retards everywhere. While at the same time in Hip-Hop everyone was rapping about using your Jimmy hat. This just so happed to coincide with Jimmy Johnson’s rise to fame with the Dallas Cowboys which made me laugh and so a star was born. Simple right? My other favorite is Mr. Bo Jangles mainly because the song said that he liked to dance and does a mean soft shoe, which I always though was cool.

She maintains that these names seem arbitrary and silly, and asked what would happen if we all referred to the feminine underworld as Phyllis Diller. If used in a sentence, “Sir, would you please unhand Phyllis Diller!” or “Phyllis Diller wants a sandwich!” Which is kind of saucy so I don’t know, maybe it will catch on.

So back to my story of abject humiliation, I went and showed my mom my little problem and she went about trying to free me from my situation. I really don’t remember this part but as we all have moms, I’m sure we can all agree that they can be quite crafty when it comes to problem solving and I’m sure this time was no different. But she was unable to get me out so she did what any mom would do and called… The fire department.

Can you imagine a bright red fire truck with sirens and lights blazing pulling up to your house, because I can. Six guys jumping off the truck in full fire gear and running up to the door all to free my junk from a pajama zipper. And what are you going to do? You got to show it to them right? Well, they didn't have to use the Jaws of Life or anything but eventually they did get me out which was nice. I think I got some reassurance that he would regain normal color someday soon and an impromptu lesson on proper stowing procedure and I then they were on their way. All in all I think I learned a valuable life lesson and started a great relationship with the local FD, who as it turns out would be called out to our place not long after that when my Spiderman web slingers failed to carry me across the alley and I fell from the 2nd story balcony.
Childhood can be a bitch.

Why I Love Arizona

You don't need a special permit to own automatic weapons...at least I don't think you do...

This was last night's entertainment. After a 5 min drive into the desert behind the house.

No, Mike, I still don't have cable or watch tv, we spent all the money on cases of .223 ammo :)

When it got dark, we used the night lazer mounted on the rails.


Please make special note of the fosters oil can, the special ops insignia on the shirt breast and the oakley razor blades.

That's why I love AZ.

My wife is at a dildo party

best girls-only dildo party - SAFINA

Sex-toy company SAFINA has a dream: to make their "Sexories" a household presence on par with Tupperware—and, in homage to those other durable plastic products, Safina's wares are sold in ladies' living rooms- cum-sex salons across the city. Hostesses are encouraged to welcome friends over for bagels, lox, and lube in exchange for a few freebies. Products include gloves with stitched-in vibrators, edible oils, and "dildos you can smile at." -Rachel Sklar

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

She actually is.

I asked her to take the camera, but she wouldn't...I would have.

I'll blog about it when she returns...until then, I'll be sitting in my aeron chair, with my damn cat licking my arm, typing out lame blogs to the likes of you homos.

Dammit!!

Why am I not at a dildo party with a bunch of tipsy suburban squeezeboxes?


Continuing on with the saga of the Dildo Party (AKA Slumberparty). This is what she bought me.

It's a pocket pussy of sorts. It's too big to fit in my pocket, but it feels like a real vaj (In the vernacular of Marty). I'm not kidding. I think this is a great breakthrough for man-kind. For years, women have had the vibrator, that stimulates the clit,






Now, we've got something that is far superior to the knuckle shuffle on the piss-pump.







Gentlemen,



I give you the CoquaSock.

The ultimate in silicone self-pleasure apparatus.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Coqua - Latin for - female cook
Sock - Latin for - To Hit or Beat Someone or Something.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>





Yeah, man. It's good stuff.

The big selling point for me, was that it made waste disposal very convenient. Kim pointed this out. You know me and my predilections towards pinchin off the tube.

You just make a deposit, hold the free-running end and do the troll walk to the bathroom, where you empty it into the bathtub drain, your sisters shampoo bottle or your choice of congealed food products.

Another selling feature was that you can pull it and make it feel like a bj. I've had lots of fun with this action.

When you have it on, it takes you back to fantasies of Olivia Newton John. It looks like a big pink leg warmer...on your weiner. Either a big pink leg warmer or a california roll of placenta. Not sure which. Depends on the fantasy.

I know Martin Luther The King, Cesar Chavez, Che Guevara, Zsa Zsa Gabor and many other Freedom Fighters would be proud to see this in action. They would quietly smile and say that all of their life's work was not in vain, for now we are free, free at last.

Get Yer Hip Waders, She's A Bleedin'

Let me pon-tificate on the finer points of fecal flushing, doo-doo drainage, pee-pee perculators and mucking out swollen pads.


2 weeks ago, I had 3 lovely ladies come to visit for 4 days. This breaks the 3-day fish rule, but I didn't mind, because I got to be the cock of the walk, in a house with 4 women...walking around in towels, sipping vodka and giggling about body hair.

2 days ago I wrote a check for ~$2,000 to two smiling plumbers who wore muck boots, rubber gloves and smelled like the underside of an applebees table. They giggled about feminine napkins and made poopie humor.

How do these two disparate pictures come together? Let me get the photoshop running and I'll cut and paste it for you.

One of the nasty little vixens was mensing about the house and not telling anyone. She was so clandestine in her menstrual mission that she was flushing all incriminating evidence down the toilet. Little did she know... we're on a septic system, it just goes into the backyard.

The strain of 5 people showering, 4 loads of laundry, 3 mexican laborers running the water and 2 days of 100+ heat caused the tampons to swell, septic lines to clog and the sanitary pads to cling mightily to the shiney black inner diameter of the pvc pipes that are my septic system.

The basic design of your run of the mill Tampax is all about capturing moisture and swelling to prevent leakage. Did you know that a single pax can swell to fill a 2" inner diameter pipe?

The basic premise of a maxi-pad is to absorb moisture, swell up, stick to stuff and sometimes use as a shoulder pad for your laptop case, when you're travelling. Did you know that they can splay themselves out like a spider in the outback, held together by the tendons of adhesive stripes?

Let's review, up to this point:

1. 4 Girls
2. 1 Mystery Menser
3. 1 Septic System
4. 100gal/person/day = 500 gallons of water/day flushed into a 1500 gallon septic tank...that's no longer draining because of Septic Sanitar-rorists.
5. On day 4 the max capacity of the tank is reached and the fun begins.

Little by little, the water crept back at the house. Dishwasher water mixed with chunky aqua dukey, shower suds mingled with tootpaste foam and it began to get angry.

I didn't know what frothy brown joy awaited me until our housekeeper, Lupita was running the dishwasher, the washing machine and was cleaning all the toilets. She came huffing into my office, while I was on a conference call, talking about the "seeenk...ees kaa kaatha."

I thought she wanted some formula 409, so I motioned to the hall closet and continued on my telephonic rampage du jour. She pulled me into the master bathroom, where I got to witness a fecal bouillabaise that was simmering in my Roman Tub.

Yum. Where's my spoon?

I took a mental diagram of what little I knew about septic systems and figured that a high volume of water had just been dumped down it's throat and it was probably reeling, like a stuffed pig, about to regurgitate the slop. Little did I know.

I grabbed the trusty 5 gallon busket of Drain-o....and another....and another.

I bought a "snake" and felt like a man for about 15 minutes, cranking, snorting and cursing the alleged "hairball" until it produced nothing. Then I felt like a soggy schmuck, with black-brown-piss-water dripping on my pumas, from the unsatisfied snake.

I called the plumber. He brought in video snake. Video snake showed me that 'Yes, your pipes are clogged....see how I can't see anything any more...?' That was $460.

Then I called the septic guys to clean and drain my tank. They dug a big-ass hole in the back yard, to get the lid off of the "stew pot." Actually, it was more like a "pressure cooker" in the 104 degree Yuma summer....

When they dug it up, the lid to the septic tank hissed and sprayed like a can of chocolate mountain dew.

The septic suckers informed me that the septic was full because the leach lines were blocked.

That was $535.

They told me that it'd probably be about $10,000 to replace the leach lines.

That was free.

The plumber comes back with his majic video snake of dollar signs, shows me that my leach lines are blocked and offers to clean them out with his aqua jetter for a mere $1,000. Sounds better than $10,000.

At the end of the day, they pulled out 2 tampons, 2 pads and a few fresh kotex wrappers.




I'm still wondering if I should make menstrual mentor mention to these little manx's about the proper pad & pon etiquette when staying as a guest.


Maybe I need a sign that says:



>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Don't flush pax, pons or pads, please. please.

Don't drop the jelly donut down the white hole.

Leave it on the floor, walk into the room and scream, "Oh my god, the cat killed a mouse...I'll clean it up!" "Wow, that's three mice today...good job Miles."

"I've been hit!! Get me a pressure dressing...nevermind, found one."

Anything...but please don't flush the pads, pons or pax.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Perhaps a poem:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Month indeed, when you start to bleed,
You can be so neat & be discreet.
Don't wear white pants and try to dance.
Put it wherever you want, sister.
Just don't flush that blood blister.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Oozinator - The questionable Super Soaker

I know that this product has been around for a little while now but I just couldn’t help but add this post. Hasbro has created a super soaker that encourages kids to “Sneak up on their opponents with a surprise bio-ooze attack!” What is going on in this world? Barbie has made Ken her bitch, the Marlboro Man is on a leave of absence, and now young males are out tossing bio-ooze at each other. And just was is this “bio-ooze” anyway, a thinly veiled euphemism for ejaculate or the newest weapons system for the future? You got me, but watch the video and then make up your own mind.

Now Hasbro does make 2 claims that I thought were worth researching regarding the Oozinators firing mechanism and payload capability and after hours of exhausting research this is what I found:

According to Hasbro the Oozinator is an air-powered blaster that lets you drench your opponents with powerful blasts of globs of gooey bio-ooze! Humm interesting, my own bio-cannon is not air powered although the charging system is quite similar. Id also like to say during trials held at my apartment, I found the Oozinator’s power equal to that of the amount of pumping or charging that went into it and my own bio weapon was no different so there is no advantage to either device.

Hasbro also claims that the Oozinator when used properly can engage targets up to 20 feet away and has a 10-ounce bio-ooze capacity! Now here I am blown away because science tells me that a normal payload for this type of weapon may contain anywhere from half a teaspoon to a tablespoon worth of bio-ooze. So with 1 tablespoon = 0.5 fluid ounces the Oozinator produces some 9.5 oz. more bio-ooze than the average bio-blaster of this type.

Then there’s that distance thing… The Oozinator is combat effective up to 20 ft. which may seem daunting at first , however being prior service I know that given the correct conditions of 1 months abstinence while in the field + 1 bottle Jergens (original cherry-almond scent) moisturizer + a Thai hooker, I too have reached distances as far as 5 to 6 ft. which, I personally feel is note worthy.

So really it comes down to a preference in fighting styles, are you looking for a mid-rage weapon or a CQB tool of destruction? For me the choice is clear. While the Oozinator may have some battlefield advantages it isn’t particularly stealthy nor will it fit in you pocket. Also while I agree that any weapon system should cause a bit of fear or trepidation in your opponent no one wants a look of disgust when they whip out their bio-weapon. The only thing worse would be laughter, but that is another topic all together. Trust me, you will be pulling no ladies with the Oozinator, meaning that it may appeal to young boys but only as long as they believe that girls have kooties. After that much like wrist rockets and the Nerf cannon it's a forgettable weapons platform.

Army Logic

It wasn’t long ago during another one of my random adventures that I found myself in Klamath Falls OR a small, Bush loving, shot gun toting community just north of the California border. Strolling down the town main street I came across the Army recruiting office and felt compelled to take this picture. Sure, there are several interpretations one could derive from our buddy, like “Man, I just ate the Chili Mac and it gave me some bad gas!” or (and in my opinion the more likely) “Holy shit! An IED has just punctured my lung and I think its collapsing!”

Had they been open you know that I would have gone in there to fuck with them especially now that I know The Pentagon is considering asking Congress to double the enlistment bonus from $20,000 to $40,000 and to raise the age limit for Army active-duty service from 35 to 40. 40… the normal age for military retirement is now an acceptable age for enlistment. Remember when the age limit was 32? Oh yeah, recruitment must be going real well these days.

So I decided to do some investigative reporting and encountered what can only be called Army logic, I checked 3 sites Military.com, the Washington Post, and the Army homepage. Bellow is a brief synopsis of what I found:

June 3, 2005 WASHINGTON - Embroiled in scandal and facing rising death tolls in Iraq, U.S. Army recruiters are facing serious challenges as they attempt to reach their goal of 80,000 new recruits by October (2005).

"What we have is a recruiting problem," said Charles Pena, director of defense policy studies at the Cato Institute. "The question is whether or not it becomes a recruiting crisis."

Defense Department figures at the end of April showed that 35,926 recruits had signed up this fiscal year, which began last Oct. 1. This gives recruiters four months to sign up another 44,000 to meet their goal. Even worse is the number of reserves. Statistics show that 7,283 reserves have signed up. The goal is for 22,175 by the end of the year.

Steadily rising U.S. casualties in Iraq, the recent allegations of prisoner mistreatment at Guantanamo Bay and the permanent stain of Abu Ghraib have all taken their toll on recruitment drives. And young men and women are not exactly banging down recruiting-station doors to join the army.

The Army missed its May active-duty recruiting goal of 6,700 by 1,661 recruits, pushing the shortfall for fiscal 2005 to 8,321 -- or more than a month's worth of recruits. The shortfall would have been 37 percent if the Army had not lowered its May goal. Overall, the Army has sent 40,964 enlistees to boot camp, and has four months to nearly double that figure to reach the 80,000 goal for this fiscal year.

The sluggish flow of enlistments means that Army boot camps are less than half full -- training at 46 percent of their capacity this month, compared with 91 percent in May 2004, said Harvey Perritt, spokesman for the Army's Training and Doctrine Command. For example, the Army's infantry the Army's infantry training center at Fort Benning, Ga., had by May trained only 8,700 of its fiscal year goal of 24,500 infantrymen. The Army can meet its goals only with a "massive influx of recruits" to boot camp this summer, Perritt said.

Well thank God for small miracles, because according to the Army:

The active-duty Army gained 8,710 new Soldiers into its ranks in September, exceeding that month’s goal of 8,365 by 345. Fiscal year 2005 active-duty Army recruitment goals stood at 92 percent complete, with 73,373 new Soldiers joining the force. The mission goal was to recruit 80,000.

The Army Reserve accessed 2,208 Soldiers into its ranks during September, exceeding its goal by 190 Soldiers. At the end of fiscal year 2005, the Reserves Army accessed 23,859 Soldiers, 84 percent of its mission goal of 28,485.

The Army National Guard gained 6,048 Soldiers in September, 98 percent of its monthly goal of 6,148. A total of 50,219 Soldiers joined the Guard’s ranks by the end of the fiscal year, 80 percent of its recruitment goal of 63,002.


Now, it’s a little know fact that advanced math produces a psychosomatic reaction in me that causes my balls to itch, however, I can say with certainty that I don’t even feel so much as a tingle when I tell you that this means Army recruiters managed to all but double their results of the last 8 months in just half the time. And while that feat is in itself amazing it does beg the question, where did all these people come from?

Well, we all know the Army and if you need recruits you're not going to let a little thing like standards get in the way. What’s that? The minimal ASVAB requirements are too high and recruitment is down, lets lower it. What require a high school diploma for entry into the service and miss out on our biggest demographic, the uneducated poor? No way, I say a lack of education should be seen as a real plus here and not as a bar to enlistment. SOF PT standards are too tough, let’s lower them as well, hell lets just let Joes off the street enlist as Special Forces, I mean it’s not like it’s an elite unit that requires months to years of training for or anything like that.

It’s ridiculous and sad. Im proud to have served but I am increasing worried about the fate of the Army and those who still serve. Now more than ever Im glad to be just a regular guy.

AMA SUPERBIKE May 21st at Infineon

Jesus Balloon

So there was I was, no shit, leaving Tracy this morning. I look up in the sky and I see what I thought looked like a floating Jesus on a cloud. That made me think that maybe I should drink coffee in the mornings, but no, it really was a floating Jesus. A Jesus hot air balloon. I'll write that again. A Jesus hot air balloon. It freaked me out man. Turns out it was made by this company and is dedicated to the "glory of our Lord". Right. Anyway, turns out you can pay for a ride on our Lord and Saviour at the Tracy Airport to commemorate National Day of Prayer. You know I'm leaving work early today...