Portal - Theme Song

Im posting this for Jeff, sorry about your ho-dads.

Hey...

...is that the package that Danzig was pulling in that video? Looks familiar.

Hey, Remember This? Yellow Lightning Bitches!

¡Salty Talk! - Survival English You Were Never Taught

Shipwreck says: "You fucking landlubbers better not end an English sentence with a preposition...or Cobra wins and I will kill you with lead poisoning, if you do not die of massive blood loss first. ¡Salty Talk! tip of the day: Damn is spelled with a silent "n". Only the word "damnable" has the "n" sound in the spelling enunciated, and only use that word if you are a limey poofter in the House of Lords giving a speech. Yo Joe! Shipwreck...out."


Anyways, I've been brushing up on foreign languages while listening to instructional podcasts. Mainly, I'm trying to get good enough at Russian to woo Olga, the Slavic vision that is the new bartendress at my favorite bar and loves speaking Russian with me. I am at he end of my abilities but I still am trying to figure out how to say, по русский of course, "¿Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?"

So, it struck me, "None of these fucking podcasts teach me how to unleash an unending string of goddamn expletives that would make a sailor blush and teach those foreigners not to give me any shit lest they get cursed...the...hell...out!" Also, after this epiphany, I realized that I could not say Donkey Punch in any language except English, what am I to do at a bar when I get really intoxicated and, shall we say, a bit randy? How is one to learn to come onto foreign women with propositions that would make Caligula blush? The Smiths fans much?

So, I found a calling. ¡Salty Talk! - I have a degree in English Lit. but no one wants to learn about bullshit like run on sentences, comma splices, verbs, nouns, and other aspects of language - public high school is proof of that. Come on, you KP guys did it with your KATUSAs - "Hey, how do I tell a woman I want to put [my "X"] into [her "Y"]?" "What do I say to to someone who cut me off?" "What primal yelp is appropriate to utter prior to beating the ass of the person burning an American flag outside of Yong-San's front gate...do I use "ooseyo" or "ha ra" infix?" "How do I impune somebody's honor besides not using honorifics when required or calling them Japanese?" "Do you have any worse epithet in your goddamn language besides "son of a dog"?"

A podcast devoted solely to the underbelly of modern US English, it will teach foreign English language learners how to truly master the idiom. Some episodes I have thought of so far:

"Fuck! The best friend to the learner of English as a verbal weapon"- noun, verb, adverb, adjective; the truly omnipresent word of the English Language...it is a crutch for the novice to lean heavily on and also the basis of expanding the repertoire

"Assorted Curse Words: Scatology and parts of the body" - well, anything I can think of that does not fall under the act of coitus

"Asshole, Cunt, Dick, Bitch - English has no gender...except when it comes to tearing someone a proverbial new one" - gender specific cursewords, we wouldn't want the new immigrants taking your IT jobs to sound silly calling a woman an asshole or a man a cunt

"Wet Dog in a Bathtub and the Alabama Hot Pocket (both definitions)" - surefire, overt come-ons for the ladies

"Wicked stupid or totally stupid? Depends on if you are in Boston or LA" - Let's get regional

"Innuendo - It's not an Italian suppository anymore!" - how to woo ladies without a lawsuit or, when rejected, be able to claim plausible deniability and that they are dreaming that you would find them attractive without a bag over their head

"Shizzle, Pizimp, Playah...Hip-Hop synonyms and false cognates for other curse and regular words." - I'll win the fucking Nobel for linguistics with this one

"Fucking Shit!", Part 1 of 2- compounding four-letter words

"Shitting Fuck!", Part 2 of 2 - common pitfalls and mistakes in the over-exhuberant use of cursewords and how to avoid them

"Blow Me, Fuck You, Eat Me, Kiss my Ass..." - When sexual come-ons are not used for that purpose, how to insult without leaving doubt as to whether you want someone to do something very profane to themselves or that you want a relationship.


I've thought of some other stuff as well but I know nothing about the mechanics of podcasting...help a brother out! How much bandwidth do I need and what are domains costing these days? I've also got many more show ideas and the t-shirts I will sell on Cafe Press are going to be a hit, nothing but that course, ancient Anglo-Saxon terminology that rears it ugly head when you hit your thumb with a hammer.

Maybe we could have a vlog or start a channel on YouTube. Thoughts on the how-to's or content would be greatly fucking appreciated

Yo Joe

Hondo,
I found your Joe site OK. Basically, it had a good narrative. However, when professionals need information on GI Joe stuff, there is only one source Propadeutic.

Want information on Joe by year? Got it. Vehicles? Got it. Comic book characters by order of appearance by year? Got it. How about body types on figures and where they originally came from? That too. Or perhaps you'd like to know Propadeutic's statement on faith. Of course you do. You can find that too, just go to the main page.

Uncle Sugar Lowers the Bar Again

Remember some of the guys you went through basic training with, usually the ones that were slotted to become truck drivers. Remember how you marveled that there were really people like that left in the world. That was when the Army actually had standards. Sure, you'd get the occasional private that didn't have a trigger finger or, my personal favorite, the guys that couldn't close their non-firing eyes without 100-mph tape over their glasses. However since we've been fighting the War on Terra (tm), the Army has been forced to lower standards regarding drug abuse, gang affiliation, age, weight, and "behavioral problems". Supposedly that fixed our recruiting problems. Not so fast big chief, a new story out today suggests that the Army may again lower the standards. Uh... No, seriously. Who's left? What kind of basic training class would that look like? How frustrated must drill sergeants be with the ever lowering standards. I'm sure we'll move from running at 3AM to talking about running at 7 AM. I know someone that can give a great class on Pronation and Supination! He's probably available too. More classes, less training. Can't do training with so many sub-standard sandbaggers, you can't have unit cohesiveness. Remember being told you're only as good as the weakest link? And the weakest link got the blanket party in order to reinforce not being the weakest link? Who the hell is going to do that now? While it serves a short term goal to lower the standards in order to "recruit" for a volunteer army, the long term repercussions are severe both for the institution of the Army itself, as well as for the civilian populace. Training gang members in urban warfare is probably not the best idea. Giving folks with "behavioral problems" a loaded weapon and a license to use it.... I can't imagine being in the regular Army today, I'd pull my hair out. I may not have been the most gung ho, I think Hondo has a picture of me sleeping in the BLRC (or the LTF as I renamed it to piss off the Col.), but I did adhere to the standards. When the system becomes one where the exception becomes the rule, in this case the exceptions being waivers for everything under the sun, the system breaks down. Can't wait to see how this plays out.

Glenn, WTF Happened?

I remember when Danzig was a badass. I saw him rip a guy off the crowd after the guy hit Glenn in the face and then Glenn threw him across the the space between the barrier and the stage like the guy was a ragdoll. I was there for his Halloween show where everybody rushed the stage and collapsed the barrier forcing security onto the stage. They tried to get him to stop the show but the man refused. You may have guessed, but I was a BIG Danzig fan. I know big (little) Glenn jumped the shark awhile ago but I have to believe this video is just silliness. Watch his steely eyes at the end.

Soul Calibur 4

So I was reading some Kotaku as I’m known to do and I came across an article about the upcoming Soul Cailbur 4. It looks like everything in this game keeps getting BIGGER and better. All I can say is … AWESOME! Now JZ knows that I’m a big fan of the cailbur and even though I told Jace not to buy it we still had a good time playing it during our escape to OR. NOTE: Always rent first my friends… unless the game is part of the Halo or Half Life series. But SC4 looks like it going to blow all other versions away. Ever wonder if chicks could really fight in G- String thongs? Why yes, yes they can! Check out the video below or maybe watch DOA. I’ve been intentionally avoiding that film every time I go to BB but we all know I’m going to give in one day. Come on I’ve seen EVERY Wesley Snipes movie out there (Most of them with Mike) so that lets you know where my “quality” threshold sits. Anyway so far this game seems set to rival DOA2 Extreme for cleavage animation / physics. Mike Im going to get one of these games for your boy when the time comes to talk about the birds and the bees… you know depending on what message you wanted to go for regarding women, that they’re all about violence + bikinis or grinding on trees + bikinis, your choice. I see it as a win win really.

Soul Calibur 4 -TRAILER

Shake what your momma gave you!

GI Joe PSA's

Coop,
I read your comments about the GI Joe PSA's being "bitch ass". I don't see it man. I'm posting two of my favorites here that taught me a lot. Please. Enjoy.

Fire safety:




Winter safety:

All-Bran Construction Worker

Are you kidding me?

Pimp My Ride International

Dudes… I’ve been sick for the last few days. (could you tell?) But just today I discovered the best program on TV, MTV’s Pimp My Ride INTERNATIONAL! This show is the bomb! Ok ok it’s true Xzibit has been replaced by Lil’ Jon as the host but lets all be honest for a minute, Xzibit was looking pretty burnt out the last time I saw him on the show. Side note: The guy who hosts Pimp My Ride London looks like Ryan Styles from Who’s Line is it Anyway, except Ryan Styles is way cooler. Back to International, the shop crew works out of Holland but seems to be assembled from everywhere their accents slay me. The thing that sets this show apart form its shitty US counterpart other than the fact that there is no Mad Mike…. That guy sucks ass!
But I’d say 9 times out of 10 they actually improve the car. True they still make most trunks unusable by filling then with 9000 watts of stereo equipment but what are you going to do? Another big plus is all the Euro girls…yeah.

What's in a Name?

The short version of this story is that I was rapping with JZ and I wanted to know what “codename” he would give his missus for our next group event. Lets just say I found some cheap coveralls and they needed some embellishment. Anyway he said that the first thing that came to his mind was The Baroness. NICE! That armored bustier, that big gun and those naughty librarian glasses. A fine choice sir! That works out for me just fine as I Ive been known to call my girl Lady Jaye for obvious reasons and lets face it Flint is one cool mutha fucker. Im just saying… So that would make JZ, Destro and then Mike would mostly likely become part of a Duke and Scarlet combo even though I cant say for sure if they were ever romantically involved, at least not on the show. That is to say if you were going for a theme.

Now as to why the Baroness is a 360 achievement hater I still don’t know. We had that conversation the last time we were all together and I don’t know if I ever really recovered. After that I tried not to care about the achievements, hell some games like Call of Juarez make it easy not to care as their achievements are so arbitrary that you may never get them, and I’m ok with that. But I took a look today and I noticed that I’m now over the 10,000 mark which I couldn’t help but feel pretty good about.
Hummm should I wear it like a badge of honor or a testament to my poor time management. I don’t know…



Addendum:

After much review I have decided that if one really looked at it, JZ is no Destro. Not the Baroness isn’t hot because she is but the fact is Destro was always depicted as being a little soft on the show ( I never read the comic so maybe he was portrayed differently there). Besides… what the fuck is his mask made of, metal, rubber? It’s awful shiny like metal but when he talks his lips move! It’s crazy… but more than that when looking at the Joes I thought that a few of them bore more than a slight resemblance to JZ. Please observe below: If you ask me JZ looks more like Torch, Monkey Wrench, and maybe Shipwreck. Incidentally I think that Shipwreck is the only Latino Joe and here I always thought he was from Boston.

Spiderman: Friend or Foe

So I just finished Spiderman: Friend or Foe and I am reminded of a cry of anguish from JZ and that was.. “Man I’m really tired of searching through boxes…”
Depending on which site you go to the reviewers scored it somewhere between 4.9 and 7.0, and I’m thinking that’s a stretch.

The good:
The graphics are great and cartoony
You can play as villains if you so choose
The S.H.I.E.L.D. computer says some funny shit
No jumping puzzles
Oh yeah and it’s kid friendly

The bad:
Everything else
Repetitive, unchallenging game play
Uneven character development
Snoozy level design

I will say that you can get all but one of the achievements just by playing the game. If you’re into achievements and I know some of us are not namely Mrs. JZ aka the Baroness. (see my other post for all that) But you can't play as Venom until the last level and even then there’s no real point because the sidekick development is sooooo lame. But if you have a weekend to kill and don’t mind a little carpel tunnel then it might be worth checking out.

On the Rise: My level of boredom

So I’m watching Lucy Liu's new straight to video movie Rise: Blood Hunter. In this cinematic masterpiece she is apparently a would be journalist turned vampire, who... are you ready? Hunts and kills vampires! Damn where have we heard this story line before? So far it's only kind of lame and has not yet reached super lame, but don’t worry it’s getting there. Also Michael Chiklis has made an appearance sporting a wispy goatee. I think he’s a cop… go figure. But he hasn’t had any speaking lines yet so we’ll see where that goes.

There are some new twists on the genre:

These vampires don’t have fangs

There is a threesome involving necrophilia… that’s new.

As the “good” vampire Lucy is not above feeding oh hitchhikers.

No super human strength

They can walk in the daylight

Wow Nick Lachey and Marlon Manson have cameos

They can drink the blood of the dead

Lucy in fact does practice Santaria, but she still aint got no crystal ball.

Bring on the lame… the part where she discovers she’s a vampire an as she walks naked to the mirror in the morgue.. (they have mirrors in the morgue?) she conveniently doesn’t have a reflection! Ah ha you clever director types!

To be honest I’m not even sure these guys qualify as vampires… I mean other than the blood drinking and no reflection thing they’re really just undead. I’m just saying…

Could it be?

Is that...




Holy Crap, it is.



Maj. Braunhelmut! Sir, glad to have you back from the Stanistan.

Working out some issues

Love this video. I've watched it like 6 times. Why? Because this guy is at work and who hasn't wanted to lay into some jackass that is sharpshooting you. Good work coach.

Speaking of Music...

Here's a great camp band i found on youtube; Electric Six.

Probably their most catchy song with gross MILF (or MIWNLF, "mother I would not like to fuck") action, "Danger! High Voltage":



Cover of an old Queen song, "Radio Ga Ga," with an ode to Freddie Mercury, which I like better than the original:



Also check out their other videos "Gay Bar"(the one featuring Bush and Blair), "Improper Dancing" (fucking hilarious, all I can say is "STOP...Hammertime! NO, continue!"), "I Buy the Drugs", and "Dance Commander".

GH2 Insanity

Similar to my experience at D's birthday.

Flight of the Conchords - Business Time

Ahhhh yeah you better look out Olivia! Mike told me what time it was...

Shad Lierley vs.Chris Horodecki

Looks like Megatron will have to wait.

Happy Birthday Mike

Ahhh Mike another year has passed another birthday has come and gone. You didn’t think that we forgot did you? No my friend we did not however, unfortunately for you it's not a major birthday so no one really gives a shit. I hope when I called your house last night you and the fam were not out wasting cake and paper... Just ask Patton Oswald or JZ he'll back me up on this one. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know we were thinking of you. I have something to send you, but I'm just not sure how to fit it in a box, maybe its a hand carry item. Until then here’s a photo of our new friend… we’ll call her Destiny.

All the best,

-M

My box in a box-For Coop

Because I miss you guys...

RAINBOW 6 REDUX

Well I’m sure most of you have been asking “Where is that Miguel and what has he been up to?” I know I ask myself that same question often. Well my friends between the hours of well 9pm -12am CT look no further than your Xbox 360 console and you’ll find me playing more Rainbow Six Vegas. Sure I’ve already posted about this game before but for those of you living in the closet there are new maps and game modes all of which enhance the game playing experience.

Two of the maps are subtle differences of existing maps and then there are 3 others that are brand new and very cool to play. There is also an assassination game mode now where the object of the game is to kill a civilian in the care of the opposing force. Strangely people were quick to dub him Dr. Phil. It’s odd to hear a room full of guys bragging about who will be the first to put hot lead into Dr. Phil’s ass but it’s still pretty funny. I wonder if Dr. Phil knows….

Anyway as you can imagine the guys I started playing with are all claned up elites by now and have no time to mix it up with yours truly. (except for your friend and mine Lock N’ Load aka Darnell aka BK Darnell who’s Xbox apparently imploded and he lost all of his save data) So now I’ve had to go out and make new amigos. And there seem to be more and more women playing as well which adds its own flair to the game as JZ can attest to. I remember the time he chose to make a female avatar and was subsequently chased down by his own teammates and “cyber humped” …classic. But more and more mainstream ladies are picking up their MP5’s and doing battle to include Mrs. JZ and that is very cool.

And then there are the not so mainstream ladies that have joined the fray, like my new friend Cinemapink. Pink has turned online gaming into so much more, while gaming she casually puts it out there that you can check out her myspace page the official and I guess the personal . From there it’s a small cyber step to her “other” page where for just $2.40 a minute you and Pink can share some intimate moments not directly related to Xbox although I guess the marketplace blade should still apply. I have two words to describe this whole deal… FUCKING GENIUS.

If she just worked 4 hours a night (You know ‘cause she has to take care of the kids during the day… By the way, what’s up with all strippers having kids, it seems like it would be a real lifestyle conflict.) That’s still over 130K a year for masturbating. Gentlemen if I could make 130K a year masturbating not only would my hands be smooth and soft to the touch but I think I’d enjoy my work more.

Anyway I see it as just one more reason to play Xbox… oh on a side note I’ve decided to get the web cam attachment for my 360…. you know, for the achievements. Ill see you guys out there.

PSA-From Mike

It's tough to follow penis power, but I need to get you people some awareness on something. Some folks, myself included, use a wonderful product after completing the morning constitutional. Namely, moist towelettes. Nothing leaves you feeling fresher, except for perhaps a biday, but I'm not French. However, and here is where the PSA comes in, in between placing the moist towelette in the ready position (activity 1), but before you give the command of execution(activity 3), ensure you do a double check on the package label(activity 2). The reason being, there are specific wipes for that type of activity and others whose primary purpose is to sanitize hands. I failed to perform activity #2. It turns out, ha ha ha, hand sanitizers use alcohol. Mmmmm.

Long story longer, as I was walking back from the command bunker to my office, I began to feel a burning sensation and started to break out in a cold sweat. Once seated, I realized what my mistake, in fact, was. Let's just say that had I been in a coma, I wouldn't be now. I was more awake through my next set of meetings than I've ever been. Don't worry though, I'm fine now. The IV and Valium helped.

This PSA is brought to you by Cottonelle and the letter "R". Don't forget to Read before executing.


That is all.

Penis Power

I am in pain from laughing at this. My favorite comes at about 3:38-"That man won't even buy you some shrimp from Long John Silver's...and what that plate? What $2.99? But he can give you a mouth full of sperm, a rectum full of sperm." Jabba the Hut to her right is her mother. Vagina Power!



There is more batshit insane stuff from this woman on youtube. Shit, I think I cracked a rib from her Halloween program clip. I now have a headache from laughing and have become dehydrated. "I'm pilotin' the pussy. See, ya'll gotta be a pilot over the pussy!"

Still Undefeated

I don't seem him losing until he fights Megatron (and even then I like his chances):

That's Shad on the right, arms raised in ultimate triumph. You can see his opponent's face is still frozen from when Shad ripped his soul through his mouth.

And still not undefeated:

You'll remember this gentleman as Shad's first victim.

Hoosier Pride

After running through some tangos like shit through a goose in R6:Vegas (finally to the damn dam) this morning, I just happened to find this very appropriate video concerning the Indiana State Police Emergency Response Team:



Although I have put Michael and Jung in some rather compromising positions ("Hey guys, why don't you head for the middle of that big-ass generator room with catwalks all around- cool? Cool."), even I had to chuckle at the above midwesterners.

Irony, divine comedy, cosmic justice, or just too funny to pass up?

Recently, a Columbia student named Matt Sanchez who is also a reserve Marine, became a darling of the right. Apparently he recieved some kind of award from the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)for sticking up for himself and parroting the party line in defense of an indefensible war (my opinion some others may disagree) that he has yet taken part. Here he is, the man on the left (keep in mind that the T-girl in the picture used the word "faggot" in a joke at a dinner at which Cpl. Sanchez was also in attendance):



He has made numerous apperances with Hannity & Colmes, O'Reilly, and the tranny he is pictured with. Apparently this is a man's man, or man's Marine if you know what I mean. Here is a short list of some other appearances he has made before joining the Marine Corps under his other title of Rod Majors. Wow! He went from Major to Corporal, he really is a bottom! Here are some other links about Mr. Sanchez's situation which could only be done justice with an Alanis Morrisette song. Here and here he is claiming that in fact he is not gay. Here is an older interview with "Rod/Pierre." Does anyone remember "S.A.M." from our army training? He may not fit the statement or marriage categories of "S.A.M." but he will have a hell of a time explaining away the act part.

Note, his former career is not the only thing of controversy, apparently he has some legal troubles. I could never get out of the army the money for the shit it fucked-up in my moves and this guy is getting $12,000 up front!

Want more? Try this for the article with the above pic and this Google search. Here is a pictorial retrospective of Rod/Pierre's previous career; note this has some of the DVD only scenes from Brokeback Mountain or this movie. Note some of these links are not for office eyes as they have various glamor shots of Cpl. Sanchez/Rod Majors/Pierre LaBranche and his self-described "11-inch uncut monster cock." Although, as one blogger who saw some of his pre-Marine (hardCorps, a pun on you) work put it, "he's being a little optimistic."

Bill Slowsky strikes again

Eye of the what.. oh that's right the TIGER!

Rockin' It....Hard

So far you mentioned AC/DC, Skynyrd, Zep, Def Leppard, Foghat, and Bon Jovi. In you're frenzy to out bone each other you missed one. Critically.

Eat it bitches

BONE'D

I don’t know what the fuck you guys are talking about.... bla bla bla classic rock sucks! As a card carrying member of 107.7 THE BONE I take offence to your baseless accusations. Sure I may have joined because I wanted to help choose the new Bone Rock Girl. (Eventually Jaime won… I would have picked someone else as I felt that her skank factor was a little low to carry an official moniker with “BONE” in it but what do I know.)
Perhaps I have a secret love for classic rock? Now, I do agree with Coop in that they seem to only play the same 20 songs over and over and I am aware of studies that have shown prolonged exposure to Thursdays rock blocks can lead to cerebral hemorrhaging but most side effects are mild to moderate. But come on if these bands were putting out new music then they wouldn't be classic now would they? Besides other radio stations play the same 20 songs over and over and then throw in the occasional 80’s lunch box or Friday flashback to cover up the fact that their programming list is lacking. I should never have to hear anything from Live’s Throwing Copper ever. There is no excuse for that. And yet anytime I decide to turn off the IPod and check the airwaves to see if there is something out there that I’m missing within 5 minutes or 2 station switches there it is … Fucking Lightning Crashes. Fuck I hate that song.
Where I have a problem is when you start hearing bands that have no place on a classic rock station. Yes, while tired and overplayed the Stones, Zeppelin, and Skynard are all expected but Motley Crue…? Nirvana…? Poison…? Funny yes, amusing indeed, but classic no sir I think not. I’ve even heard U2 on the Bone, what is U2 even doing on that station? They not even in the same genre of music.
It’s like ITunes suggesting that if you like The Crystal Method you’ll probably like Sara McLachlan or my other fave if you likes The Artic Monkeys you might like Dr. Laura Schlessinger, who is making these connections? It boggles the mind.
Ahhhhh screw it all, I’m going to go listen to some Bon Jovi.

Bone Flashback

Can I comment on Herr Cooper's post here? Is that kosher? Fuck it, he opened the wound so you all get to taste the blood.

San Jose had (has?) a classic rock radio station also with the "Bone" appellation. I used to punch myself in the nuts whenever I would turn it on and ACDC was the first thing I heard. Let's just say I had sore balls. I will find the guy that's holed up in some Kansas bunker with his hideous Akira-esque classic-rock tentacles feeding the same fucking shit to every "Bone" in the country and I will smite him. I would like to borrow your BFR to lodge in his ass while it plays Burzum. We'll talk. Thank you.

Ka-ne-daaaa!

Winning the Arms Race for Audio Supremacy at Work

So, I work at a manufacturing plant with lots of heavy machinery, forklifts with their beeping back-up signals, welders popping and sizzling when cutting or joining metal. Along with these noises comes the constant sound of Dallas' own 93.3 The Bone. Now I like classic rock in small doses but I can only hear Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song", "Kashmir", "Stairway to Heaven" so many times before I have daydreams in differing hues of red. Foghat is nice but not every hour during a repeat playlist. ZZ Top and AC/DC are also good but I do not want to hear every fucking song they ever made in the course of one day...for five straight days.

So, I work near the heaviest and thus loudest of all the machinery in the whole shop and need something to get over that noise as well as Steely Dan songs. I had searched high and low for something to both bring music to my ears over the noise of the deafening roar of a 36" lathe cutting metal, and a hone that once was aboard a battleship used to smooth out the bores of naval cannon and now polishes the inside of pipes as well as pretty much gain aural hegemony in the workplace. And it had to have an AUX jack for my iPod so I can return the favor to my co-workers and inflict upon them my music tastes in return for theirs.

What did I find at Fry's normally marked $320 but was reduced to $120 as an open box return sans remote? Yes that's right...The JVC KaBoom!.

It is essentially two subwoofers attached to a small radio and is the neutron bomb of portable audio. This thing will make women have miscarriages, hearts palpitate, and, more importantly, fills the air with the soundtrack from "2001: A Space Odyssey" at such a volume that no one dare try and compete with their radio even when Eric Clapton's "Cocaine" comes on. Co-workers were in awe as the first notes of The Misfits' "Last Caress" wafted through the building followed by such eclectic selections as "La Habanera" from Bizet's opera "Carmen" and three different covers of Gary Glitter's "Do You Wanna Touch Me (There)?" by Crud, Joan Jett, and The Bobbyteens. My coworkers would in vain escalate and turn their radios up to challenge my B.F.R. only to have me inch up the subwoofers separate volume control and then the main volume; my iPod was already set for optimal bass. Game...set...match, bitches!

Soon, they were reduced to cowering around their puny radios, like homeless around a burning trash barrel for warmth, to hear anything by .38 Special, Stevie Ray Vaughn, or John Mellencamp (before he added the Cougar then dropped it then added it again...I think, but I can't keep up with shiftless people and their names) and escape the unrelenting onslaught of Metallica, Wagner (Das Rheingold), The Ramones and Willie Nelson iPod playlists.

As Conan said, the greatest joys in life are, "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women." I would add to this list the gnashing of teeth, rending of clothes, and beating of chests out of despair and now, begging for rather than an audio free-for-all as what is now the case, the other employees have conspired and asked the plant manager about each person being designated a day when they pick the radio station to be played over the company PA and disallow any personal audio devices. Ahhh! The tears of your defeat are sweeter than ambrosia my fellow hirelings!

Expectations

So I see Matty and Coop have signed up. Good things. I expect to see some posts from you two jokers soon. Don't disappoint, otherwise Matty, I'll put up another derogatory post about the Willis. That is all.

Rainbow-tastic

So last night I finally made it to the rank of Sergeants Major in our beloved Rainbow 6 Vegas. Overall the achievement was a little underwhelming considering the time to benefit ratio involved. Although, I was reminded of a conversation with a very drunk Mrs. Shook in the men’s bathroom about how "Jerry was going to be Sergeant Major...” Man sometimes I miss those days, you could never predict what was going to happen from one minute to the next.
Unfortunately reaching SMAG doesn’t unlock anything really cool, you get some new armor but the only difference between it and the armor you’re given at SPC is the way it looks. So that was kind of a let down.
This lead me to look towards my next advancement of 2nd LT, which after completing a few games over lunch lead me to this computation: it takes about 7 wining games at or over 15 minutes to fill up one bar on your rank card, and you need 5 bars + the extra invisible bar to make the next level so that would be about 42 games and 10 & 1/2 hours invested to make LT.
Apply that logic to the rest of the remaining ranks and you'll have played over 63 additional hours before you make it to Elite and that's only if you win... every game you play.
Just something to think about.

Chad Vader - Day Shift Manager (episode 1)

Fucking histerical…

JZ, Are You with Us?

Darnell, Hondo, and I want to know.

So You're Thinking of Getting a Tattoo...

My advice, and I'm far from an expert, would be to NOT get one that says STEP BACK in four-inch letters across your stomach visible from, say, 30 rows up at an IFL event if you ever plan on getting knocked out in 44 seconds by a baby-faced college kid with a passion for striking. Again- not an expert.


TigerSharks FTW!!1!1!!

No Seriously

Is every older male actor coming out with a rehash movie from their respective haydays? We've got Harrison Ford with Indiana Jones Quatro where he and his loveable old man, played by Sir Sean Connery KBE, battle aliens and Nazis with Indiana's grown son, played by the Rock. It's the feel good film of the summer. We have the 60 year old Stallone giving it one more shot in Rocky 15 where he battles aliens and black people, "get those alien sons a bitches Rock". Which brings me to, finally, Matty's boy Bruce Willis who once again, by some sheer bad luck is forced to save the world from computer nerds or aliens or bank robbers or Alan Rickman. I'm not really sure. Apparently the movie only has 1 maybe 2 lines judging by the preview. Some of you may think this is revolutionary, but it's not. See any Wesley Snipes film in the last few years. 2 pages of script, 60 pages of "action". So, without further ado, I give you possibly, the toughest tough guy movie of the decade.


Die Hard or Die Harder

It's FIGHT NIGHT Bitches

Yes that's right its Fight Night gentlemen... So before you say anything please refer to the chart bellow.

Excuse #1
No money
Solved
Tickets are already paid for

Excuse #2
No Time
Solved
We’re two weeks out

Excuse #3
No Kitchen pass
Pending


You have two weeks my friends, two weeks to convince the little woman that a man day is sorely needed. I have faith in you both.

So let the wives know that you won’t be home for dinner, but that when you do return you'll be pumped full of testosterone.

And while I will not take any responsibility for what the two of you may do next, if it involves chocolate syrup, whipped cream, fuzzy cuffs, spontaneous outdoor nudity, or latex / leather in any form I would like a little credit.
Maybe a simple tip of the hat or a nice card.

Mr. Goodrich, Mr. Cake...

Fantastic 4: Rise Of The Silver Surfer

Oh yes they’re back in what I would almost call a retro sequel. This film has got to be lame if they choose to show us 90 seconds of chase scene. And you can't tell me we haven't seen the suffer someplace else say..... oh I don’t know.... T2 perhaps? However, I am not surprised especially since the first one was "an underwhelming pic that's anything but fantastic." Which boasted "A Third-rate director leading a flick filled with TV actors, cheap special effects, and a margarine script that's light on entertaining calories and high on the bland taste." Man even that review was lame. Maybe we should get into the review business..... Now there’s a thought.