¡Salty Talk! - Survival English You Were Never Taught

Shipwreck says: "You fucking landlubbers better not end an English sentence with a preposition...or Cobra wins and I will kill you with lead poisoning, if you do not die of massive blood loss first. ¡Salty Talk! tip of the day: Damn is spelled with a silent "n". Only the word "damnable" has the "n" sound in the spelling enunciated, and only use that word if you are a limey poofter in the House of Lords giving a speech. Yo Joe! Shipwreck...out."


Anyways, I've been brushing up on foreign languages while listening to instructional podcasts. Mainly, I'm trying to get good enough at Russian to woo Olga, the Slavic vision that is the new bartendress at my favorite bar and loves speaking Russian with me. I am at he end of my abilities but I still am trying to figure out how to say, по русский of course, "¿Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?"

So, it struck me, "None of these fucking podcasts teach me how to unleash an unending string of goddamn expletives that would make a sailor blush and teach those foreigners not to give me any shit lest they get cursed...the...hell...out!" Also, after this epiphany, I realized that I could not say Donkey Punch in any language except English, what am I to do at a bar when I get really intoxicated and, shall we say, a bit randy? How is one to learn to come onto foreign women with propositions that would make Caligula blush? The Smiths fans much?

So, I found a calling. ¡Salty Talk! - I have a degree in English Lit. but no one wants to learn about bullshit like run on sentences, comma splices, verbs, nouns, and other aspects of language - public high school is proof of that. Come on, you KP guys did it with your KATUSAs - "Hey, how do I tell a woman I want to put [my "X"] into [her "Y"]?" "What do I say to to someone who cut me off?" "What primal yelp is appropriate to utter prior to beating the ass of the person burning an American flag outside of Yong-San's front gate...do I use "ooseyo" or "ha ra" infix?" "How do I impune somebody's honor besides not using honorifics when required or calling them Japanese?" "Do you have any worse epithet in your goddamn language besides "son of a dog"?"

A podcast devoted solely to the underbelly of modern US English, it will teach foreign English language learners how to truly master the idiom. Some episodes I have thought of so far:

"Fuck! The best friend to the learner of English as a verbal weapon"- noun, verb, adverb, adjective; the truly omnipresent word of the English Language...it is a crutch for the novice to lean heavily on and also the basis of expanding the repertoire

"Assorted Curse Words: Scatology and parts of the body" - well, anything I can think of that does not fall under the act of coitus

"Asshole, Cunt, Dick, Bitch - English has no gender...except when it comes to tearing someone a proverbial new one" - gender specific cursewords, we wouldn't want the new immigrants taking your IT jobs to sound silly calling a woman an asshole or a man a cunt

"Wet Dog in a Bathtub and the Alabama Hot Pocket (both definitions)" - surefire, overt come-ons for the ladies

"Wicked stupid or totally stupid? Depends on if you are in Boston or LA" - Let's get regional

"Innuendo - It's not an Italian suppository anymore!" - how to woo ladies without a lawsuit or, when rejected, be able to claim plausible deniability and that they are dreaming that you would find them attractive without a bag over their head

"Shizzle, Pizimp, Playah...Hip-Hop synonyms and false cognates for other curse and regular words." - I'll win the fucking Nobel for linguistics with this one

"Fucking Shit!", Part 1 of 2- compounding four-letter words

"Shitting Fuck!", Part 2 of 2 - common pitfalls and mistakes in the over-exhuberant use of cursewords and how to avoid them

"Blow Me, Fuck You, Eat Me, Kiss my Ass..." - When sexual come-ons are not used for that purpose, how to insult without leaving doubt as to whether you want someone to do something very profane to themselves or that you want a relationship.


I've thought of some other stuff as well but I know nothing about the mechanics of podcasting...help a brother out! How much bandwidth do I need and what are domains costing these days? I've also got many more show ideas and the t-shirts I will sell on Cafe Press are going to be a hit, nothing but that course, ancient Anglo-Saxon terminology that rears it ugly head when you hit your thumb with a hammer.

Maybe we could have a vlog or start a channel on YouTube. Thoughts on the how-to's or content would be greatly fucking appreciated

Yo Joe

Hondo,
I found your Joe site OK. Basically, it had a good narrative. However, when professionals need information on GI Joe stuff, there is only one source Propadeutic.

Want information on Joe by year? Got it. Vehicles? Got it. Comic book characters by order of appearance by year? Got it. How about body types on figures and where they originally came from? That too. Or perhaps you'd like to know Propadeutic's statement on faith. Of course you do. You can find that too, just go to the main page.

Uncle Sugar Lowers the Bar Again

Remember some of the guys you went through basic training with, usually the ones that were slotted to become truck drivers. Remember how you marveled that there were really people like that left in the world. That was when the Army actually had standards. Sure, you'd get the occasional private that didn't have a trigger finger or, my personal favorite, the guys that couldn't close their non-firing eyes without 100-mph tape over their glasses. However since we've been fighting the War on Terra (tm), the Army has been forced to lower standards regarding drug abuse, gang affiliation, age, weight, and "behavioral problems". Supposedly that fixed our recruiting problems. Not so fast big chief, a new story out today suggests that the Army may again lower the standards. Uh... No, seriously. Who's left? What kind of basic training class would that look like? How frustrated must drill sergeants be with the ever lowering standards. I'm sure we'll move from running at 3AM to talking about running at 7 AM. I know someone that can give a great class on Pronation and Supination! He's probably available too. More classes, less training. Can't do training with so many sub-standard sandbaggers, you can't have unit cohesiveness. Remember being told you're only as good as the weakest link? And the weakest link got the blanket party in order to reinforce not being the weakest link? Who the hell is going to do that now? While it serves a short term goal to lower the standards in order to "recruit" for a volunteer army, the long term repercussions are severe both for the institution of the Army itself, as well as for the civilian populace. Training gang members in urban warfare is probably not the best idea. Giving folks with "behavioral problems" a loaded weapon and a license to use it.... I can't imagine being in the regular Army today, I'd pull my hair out. I may not have been the most gung ho, I think Hondo has a picture of me sleeping in the BLRC (or the LTF as I renamed it to piss off the Col.), but I did adhere to the standards. When the system becomes one where the exception becomes the rule, in this case the exceptions being waivers for everything under the sun, the system breaks down. Can't wait to see how this plays out.

Glenn, WTF Happened?

I remember when Danzig was a badass. I saw him rip a guy off the crowd after the guy hit Glenn in the face and then Glenn threw him across the the space between the barrier and the stage like the guy was a ragdoll. I was there for his Halloween show where everybody rushed the stage and collapsed the barrier forcing security onto the stage. They tried to get him to stop the show but the man refused. You may have guessed, but I was a BIG Danzig fan. I know big (little) Glenn jumped the shark awhile ago but I have to believe this video is just silliness. Watch his steely eyes at the end.