Star Wars Stars Dance Off 2008

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse then Haden Christian still getting acting jobs after what he did in the prequels, I find this. Are you fucking kidding me... who licensed this? George Lucas is a WHORE! The end is nigh... mark my words.

Guitar Hero: On Tour promo, learn how to Rock Out = UNFUCKING BEARABLE

I to dare you to make it through all 3 minutes and 30 seconds without thoughts of self injury or wanting to start a riot... I DARE YOU... wiggle wiggle wiggle YEAH!

Through the Fire and Flames 100% 987,786 points and 8 min of Pwnage!!!

Hey Mike, is this guy invited to your next party?

DRAGONFORCE ( or Inland Invasion part2)

Holly crap I was surfing through Kotaku today and I found the following article about the guy in the previous post and I thought "Wow thats cool" as it reminded me of Mikes party story. So then I decided to check out the bands website to see what what there, and gentlemen, what I found was F'ing AWESOME!

Now I'm 100% sure that JZ is already a member for their fan club and check the forum often but for the rest of us, who don't listen to the soothing sounds of RAMMSTEIN to relax I give you ....
According to the Wikipedia: It would seem that DragonForce are an English Power Metal band formed in the UK back in 1999. The group is known for its fast paced songs, twin guitar solos (ok but if there are 2 guitars how is it a solo?), and incorporation of electronic sound effects into their music.

Jesus these guys are FUCKING METAL!!! Not that I particularly care for metal, but if I did... these guys might be my band of choice. The best part is their website these guys are like superheros, or better yet GI JOE figures each with their own file card that lists their talents almost like they were special powers. It's genius... check out their site with the link above you wont be disappointed. Here is just a sampling:


SAM TOTMAN
Lead/Rhythm Guitars & Backing Vocals

Signature Stage Moves
360degree tornado jump

VADIM PRUZHANOU
Keyboards & Backing Vocals

Signature Stage Moves
Getting derranged!

Now I know what you're thinking... We HAVE to see these guys live!
I agree and lucky us we have two chances coming up soon.

Fri Jul 11 - Sacramento - Sleep Train Amphitheatre
Sat Jul 12 -San Francisco - Shoreline Amphitheatre

Other preformers include:
Slipknot, Machine Head, Airbourne, Sevendust, Walls of Jericho, Disturbed, Mastodon, 36 Crazyfists, Underoath, The Red Chord, Suicide Silence, Five Finger Death Punch, and Black Tide.

So we all know that July 11th in fact someones birthday, so Im just saying... I think I gave my leather pants to Goodwill but they were getting a bit tight anyway. However, I think I still have my jacket in storage, with a little modification Id be ready to roll..... so let me know.

Liberty City Police Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality

Since the surge in crime, which began on April 28 at midnight, more than 830,000 civilians have been murdered—nearly one-tenth of Liberty City's total population. In addition, 35,000 vehicles have been reported stolen, many of which were then driven illegally over sidewalks and pedestrian walkways before plunging into the nearby Humboldt River. And according to startling figures released by local community action group Citizens for a Safer City, drug trafficking has become rampant and prostitution has increased by 800 percent.

"I was shot 14 times on my way to work today, including twice by police," said one Algonquin-area resident. "That is unacceptable."

For more on this story click the photo above....

Honky Talk

I'm sure you all have seen this by now.

I would just like to add for the record that I sometimes listen to NPR while driving to yoga in my Prius. I am not fucking with you. What do I win? Oh, an adopted Chinese girl baby? Fucking sweet. I'll put it next to my Big Lebowski figurines*.

*Not yet on the list: collecting and displaying toys (hello, Oregon!). A prediction about the site's future- #100 will be the site itself and then it will implode and condense into a tiny dot of the purest whiteness. Also, if they haven't been contacted about making a coffee table book**, then capitalism does not work.

**Should also be on the list.

Now back to your Japanese stalker rape porn. Needs more tentacles!

For Coop

Because now I can't get, "I've been robbed by two men" out of my head.
Thanks jackass*.





*salty talk™ approved.

Surreal

I guess this is what Japanese people think they will run into in the streets of America when vacationing:



The aerobics dancers and their cheery demeanor were actually the scariest, like clowns...who do not mean to scare the shit out of you but do anyway.

This guy is great!

I'll let this guy speak for himself. But, his vids remind me of every relative I have met at a family reunion/Christmas/wedding/funeral/etc. in East Texas. Here is his youtube page, and the video that hooked me:

Southern culture, bigotry and (lack of)education combine to actually give an unvarnished view of the world! Referring to one of my earlier posts...¡Salty Talk! may have found a guest instructor. These videos would be great for playing shot games...like every time he says the word or a variation of the word "fuck", you take a shot and then fall into an alcohol induced coma.

Faith Fighter

As the tag line suggests these are in fact dark times my friends. And if history has taught us anything it that when things get shitty people get to praying. Praying for the almighty of their choice to come lay the smack down on their perceived enemies that is. Faith Fighter gives you the opportunity to jump into the role of the divine and extract some righteous vengeance!

Choose you own deity or try out someone else’s! GOD, Jesus, Buddha, Ganesha, Budi, and Muhammad are all standing tall ready for you to evoke their wrath! Which will prevail, GOD's Holy Ghost ryuken or Muhammad’s invisibility attack?

Hey I just had an idea; maybe we should have a tourney to decide what happens in Iraq? Whoever’s deity wins they get to lay claim to Baghdad. Mike you like to call your senator, maybe you could suggest it the next time you call in….

Get your GOD on!

JZ Sentinel of Manliness

It’s come to my attention lately that as Men we have been bamboozled. Everyday our Manliness is under attack in the form of TV ads, day time talk shows, and society at large. Its bullshit… I am tired of feigning interest in the subtleties between sage, moss, and mint chip… it's a bath towel, I'm just going to dry my ass with it.

Not too long ago JZ'z lady purchased a new Mini Cooper and personalized her license plate with the moniker XTRASML. Which I think is awesome; it's cute and funny and personalized the whole experience. Unless of course JZ happens to be driving, then it's a direct attack on his manhood… literally.
Now clearly if JZ were to follow Man Law: 312 he would of course #1 never be caught behind the wheel of a Mini Cooper without life threatening circumstances being in play. But (and more importantly) Man Law: 312 subsection (E) clearly states that no man shall drive a car where the vanity plate may be misconstrued as to assault his manliness.

So what is a man to do to assert this manliness in this situation? Well, JZ did in fact sell his Element for… a Prius. While it's true the Prius is in fact not overly manly, it's missing a V8 engine, 4 Wheel Drive, or hint at an oncoming midlife crisis, all traditional hallmarks of man vehicles. It does show JZs readiness for change and I applaud him for that. Now my friend it's time to take the final step need to assert your manliness and strike a blow for men everywhere to truly make that car yours without having to pee on it.

JZ you need to get your own vanity plate.

It should come as no shock to you that I have taken it upon myself to come up with a short list of plates that I feel are worthy contenders to be displayed proudly on your car.

First off let me just say that I did not include any "Green" or "eco friendly" plates because they are fucking lame. Everyone these days is swinging on my "green" and "eco friendly" Johnson and I'm fucking sick of it. New cars that get 30 miles to the gallon? So did my dads '74 Gremlin... go fuck yourself. Ethanol is the fuel of the future? Oh really? I guess it could be if it wasn’t for the fact that the production of ethanol consumes more energy than it yields... go fuck yourself Mr. Bush oh and you too Teutul's for pandering to the right for ratings.

Anyway I know that you've been away from XBL pursuing new hobbies and I think that's great, so may I suggest theses hobby related plates.

With all that yoga you've been doing you should be a master of the Flying Warrior, Tree, and Downward Facing Dog stances and people should know damn it. Easy reader was inspired by Morgan Freeman's character a smooth hipster who loved to read on the Electric Company. Solid my brother... you should post some book reviews. Sure those are good but I’m not sure that they convey enough manliness... so I upped the manly factor with the following plates.

That's right, let those commuter fools know you have a strong pimp hand and aren't afraid to use it. They want to cut you off, let them but the're going to pay. And we all know that you can lay some pipe so there's nothing to say there.

I was tempted to suggest the plate below to show your skills as a ladies man but we've all heard the stories, we've all seen the pictures, your skills are legendary.

In the end I feel that there is just one plate with enough bravado enough machismo to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women. The yang to your ladys yin, I give you:

Can Someone Please Update this Damn Blog?

Seriously, a month? Hondo, where's the post about your future in American Gladiators?