DOA Extreme 2 makes me feel dirty

As you know I am a proud member of Gamefly thanks to my buddies’ generosity. This week I reached 6 months with the service which entitles me to an additional $5 coupon and 5% discount on any game I purchase and I believe a change in rank from nerd soldier to geek capo. It also means that I now have to pay for it myself so we’ll just see how long this lasts. But before all that happened I had added Dead or Alive Extreme 2 to my game queue and to the delight of my internal 13 year old it arrived this weekend.

For those who don’t know the Dead or Alive series is a fighting game in the same vein of Tekken, Mortal combat, and Soul Caliber. Where random fighters meet for some (usually lame) reason and proceed to beat the shit out of each other. DOA is no different and Id even say sub par due to the control mechanics but what sets it apart is the incredible life like graphics. But how do you follow up a highly successful fighting game? I can almost hear the response to that question in the conference room now…. By having the games female characters show up to an island and play beach games in bikinis?
Fucking brilliant!

And so DOA Extreme 2 was born. I will say that the games intro really sums up the whole game and so it’s easier just to post it than try to describe what I watched. You arrive on the island and are then assigned a “friend” and then you have the option of partaking in various traditional activities such as a jet ski race, volley ball and tug o war to the more original games like pool floaty hop and something called butt bounce (pictured in the intro). Or if all of that sounds too strenuous for you your character has the option if relaxing in various parts of the island. Any choice you make triggers an almost pornographic cut scene where your girl either seductively lotions up by the pool, flops around in the surf like a dying porpoise, or my favorite should chose to relax in the jungle, your girl actually climbs a tree, straddles a large branch and dry humps it.

But wait there’s more, at night you have the option of going to the casino and trying your luck at gambling. There is a choice of games but I preferred poker as your opponents can’t play for shit and have no problem staying in with a pair of 2s. All of this is to apparently earn you cash so you can buy smaller bikinis and various other accessories. XBOX 360 owners, this is how you earn achievement points in the game by buying your lady her favorite swimsuit or hair ribbon not necessarily by winning races or contests.

However there is something else that you can do with your money that I discovered on the web that I thought makes this a must buy for that pre-teen on your X-mas list. Play your cards right, become a high roller and Zack, your host on the island who must be a pimp (he’s black and carries a cane with no obvious limp) will turn you out. I’ll save you the effort of going through all the nerd magic and post that scene as well.

That pretty much sums it all up, I returned the game today mainly because it’s wholly unplayable and I kept having to shower. So unless you’re under 15, have never seen a real woman naked, or live in your mom’s basement I would pass on this one.