Sunday, June 11, 2006
Monday, June 05, 2006
Did Somebody Say Tokyo Drift?
Miguel mentioned the new F&F film. It's no secret I have been following Formula D ever since a drifting exhibition blew my socks off at the San Jose Grand Prix (San Jose has a grand prix now- apparently Alviso was otherwise engaged). Here's a typical shot of some typically exciting action:
Fuck YEAH. Note the smoke and aggressive angle of attack into the, uh, straight...why the fuck are you sliding down the straightaway? And so the magic of Formula D becomes evident. No goddamn reason, that's why. Utterly and totally pointless. Don't miss the spoiler on that 240SX- lord knows you need downforce...going sideways...at 40 mph. Their car control is admirable, sure, but like an astronaut practicing tantric sex alone on the moon, ultimately pointless. The excitement was so intoxicating my dad got a Type R sticker for his Oldsmobile Intrigue. So when they decided to make a movie about the phenomenon, I said why fucking not? In Tokyo? Perfect, like a baseball game played in Baseballville. I bet somebody uses a samurai sword, too.
Fuck YEAH. Note the smoke and aggressive angle of attack into the, uh, straight...why the fuck are you sliding down the straightaway? And so the magic of Formula D becomes evident. No goddamn reason, that's why. Utterly and totally pointless. Don't miss the spoiler on that 240SX- lord knows you need downforce...going sideways...at 40 mph. Their car control is admirable, sure, but like an astronaut practicing tantric sex alone on the moon, ultimately pointless. The excitement was so intoxicating my dad got a Type R sticker for his Oldsmobile Intrigue. So when they decided to make a movie about the phenomenon, I said why fucking not? In Tokyo? Perfect, like a baseball game played in Baseballville. I bet somebody uses a samurai sword, too.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Gym Jones
Guys here is the link to that gym modeled on what could only be called the principals of Fight Club. Bellow is an excerpt from their knowledge section:
“What's your problem? I think I know. You see it in the mirror every morning: temptation and doubt hip to hip inside your head. You know it's not supposed to be like this. But you drank the Kool-Aid and dressed yourself up in someone else's life.
You're haunted because you remember having something more. With each drag of the razor you ask yourself why you piss your blood into another man's cup. Working at the job he offered, your future is between his thumb and forefinger. And the necessary accessories, the proclamations of success you thought gave you stability provide your boss security. Your debt encourages acquiescence; the heavy mortgage makes you polite.”
I don’t know if they are new profits or full of shit, I guess that’s for you to decide. What there is no doubt about is that their workouts are no joke, be sure to stop by their video section. I don’t know if it's all a bunch of BS or not but if I lived in LA I’d be tempted to go stand on the porch, just to see what I got.
I 2nd that...
Mike you failed to give the link (hit the rider) to the mega blockbuster which will be released on an unsuspecting public just in time for Valentines Day next year. Im sure that there is a well thought out marketing scheme for that one as well.
Not even Eva Mendez and her hot ass will be able to save this one Im afraid. Oh and that is a hot ass…… ummm nummy. Oh by the way, was that a ghost horse that I saw near the end of the trailer? Just checking.
Lucky me I just turned on TNT and Torque was on. Just in case you didn't know it's the street bike version of the Fast and the Furious. It has an incredible unknown cast that includes Ice Cube. Torque also has never before heard of chase scenes that not only boasted two handed gun play but also a bit where the 2 main characters jump on top of a moving train and then race across it's roof, pure cinematic genius. Hidden gem: Brief cameo where Dane Cook makes an appearance and the Y2K superbike that has a Rolls Royce Allison gas turbine engine. (There' s a featurette on the DVD don’t ask how I know, I just do)
Honorable mention:
Hollow Man 2: Staring Christian Slater and a whole bunch of other out of work actors. Available now at a Hollywood Video near you. There isnt even a trailer for this one. I wonder why?
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: This 3rd installment starts lil Bow Wow (just Bow Wow now) and some other guy. Check the trailer.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Some Movies Should Not Be Made
Hard to follow the anatomical discussions we've had around here lately, but after seeing the trailer for Ghost Rider I felt compelled to post something. I'm not really sure how Hollywood works, but I'm pretty sure a bunch of guys like us sit around and come up with "great ideas". I'll leave the great ideas in quotes because I think you all know how some of these "great ideas" work out. Like the time, Miguel decided to take a trip into the desert alone. Now I'm not going to lay anything at his feet, I'm just trying to frame this right. So there's a bunch of guys that sit around in Hollywood and act as the arbiters for new movie ideas. "Great ideas" like having Bruce Willis play harmonica in a movie. "Great ideas" like having Steven Segal make any more motion pictures. Any. More. Please stop. By my count, he's got 2 already released this calendar year and 4; 4; 4; in production. Those are to be released this year. That may be a record actually. Oh, and he's got one filming for next year. To add insult to injury, when Big Steve isn't saving Eskimos/young ladies/kicking bad guy ass/eating, he's layin' down some mean chops in his (I shit you not) blues band. Does Steve have no one that will tell him the truth?
Then there's poor Wesley Snipes. He was great in Blade and The Art of War. Short on talk big on ass kicking. Let's check the book to see Wesley's '06 stats. Ah! What do you know! Wesley is hot on Big Steve's tail with 3 released this year, 1 more in production for this year and 2 already lined up for 2007. We're talking hundreds of dollars for Wesley here based on Detonator, The Marksman and 7 Seconds. By the way, I actually fast forwarded through 7 Seconds to the end. That's how bad the movie was. But I digress.
This brings me to two movies that don't need to be made. #1 Roadhouse 2: Last Call. That's right kids, Roadhouse 2 because the original Roadhouse was so good. Really, Jake Busey as the bad guy? C'mon. Even the movie preview guy with the cool voice was probably like, "Are you freakin' kidding me? I have to read this crap?" Of course, I'll see it anyway, because it has to be seen, the Swayze or no.
Which brings us back to Ghost Rider. If there's one thing that really gets me in the 21st Century it's too much CGI. Not only that, by the looks of the trailer, we can also tack on my second pet peeve: cheesy CGI. Here's the deal, if you can't get an actor to play the main character but have to use CGI for a good portion of the movie, it's a kid's movie. Just animate that shit and release it as such. Comic books are comic books for a reason. If you have a completely CGI character like the Hulk, or say Ghost Rider, why do you even bother signing on as an actor. What the hell was Nick Cage thinking? And Sam "No One Can Grow A 'Stache Like Me, Bitch" Elliot reading the voice over? Well, I think you know. The movie preview guy quit after reading too many for Big Steve, Wesley, and the straw that broke his back, Roadhouse 2.
Then there's poor Wesley Snipes. He was great in Blade and The Art of War. Short on talk big on ass kicking. Let's check the book to see Wesley's '06 stats. Ah! What do you know! Wesley is hot on Big Steve's tail with 3 released this year, 1 more in production for this year and 2 already lined up for 2007. We're talking hundreds of dollars for Wesley here based on Detonator, The Marksman and 7 Seconds. By the way, I actually fast forwarded through 7 Seconds to the end. That's how bad the movie was. But I digress.
This brings me to two movies that don't need to be made. #1 Roadhouse 2: Last Call. That's right kids, Roadhouse 2 because the original Roadhouse was so good. Really, Jake Busey as the bad guy? C'mon. Even the movie preview guy with the cool voice was probably like, "Are you freakin' kidding me? I have to read this crap?" Of course, I'll see it anyway, because it has to be seen, the Swayze or no.
Which brings us back to Ghost Rider. If there's one thing that really gets me in the 21st Century it's too much CGI. Not only that, by the looks of the trailer, we can also tack on my second pet peeve: cheesy CGI. Here's the deal, if you can't get an actor to play the main character but have to use CGI for a good portion of the movie, it's a kid's movie. Just animate that shit and release it as such. Comic books are comic books for a reason. If you have a completely CGI character like the Hulk, or say Ghost Rider, why do you even bother signing on as an actor. What the hell was Nick Cage thinking? And Sam "No One Can Grow A 'Stache Like Me, Bitch" Elliot reading the voice over? Well, I think you know. The movie preview guy quit after reading too many for Big Steve, Wesley, and the straw that broke his back, Roadhouse 2.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
In Keeping With the Editorial Direction of this Endeavor...
...here is a picture of my package:
Even more exciting than owning a turquoise-and-yellow banana hammock is the knowledge that I will now receive the International Male catalog (and, one can only hope, its subsidiaries such as the swimsuit edition of "Gear") for the rest of my goddamn life. I guess it's a rite of passage to incur such a fate at the hands of one of you pricks, so thanks. Thanks for that.
By my calculations, we've had three cock-related posts in a row by three different authors. That leaves only one. He knows who he is. Care to make it a straight* flush?
*Note: there is nothing straight about any of this. I'm off to shave my taint. Although, it's a little scary that I'm less hairy than Dylan's Joy of Sex Brand Lifelike Vagina. Seriously, was the Internet closed that day? Did you find that on DARPANET?
Even more exciting than owning a turquoise-and-yellow banana hammock is the knowledge that I will now receive the International Male catalog (and, one can only hope, its subsidiaries such as the swimsuit edition of "Gear") for the rest of my goddamn life. I guess it's a rite of passage to incur such a fate at the hands of one of you pricks, so thanks. Thanks for that.
By my calculations, we've had three cock-related posts in a row by three different authors. That leaves only one. He knows who he is. Care to make it a straight* flush?
*Note: there is nothing straight about any of this. I'm off to shave my taint. Although, it's a little scary that I'm less hairy than Dylan's Joy of Sex Brand Lifelike Vagina. Seriously, was the Internet closed that day? Did you find that on DARPANET?
What's in a name?
Apparently the guys have some reservations about posting after Dylan dropped his literary bomb on us. I too must admit that I have some concerns; I mean how do you follow up a post that includes a sex toy and a large picture of a swarthy vagina? You really can’t, so this post will just be filler in order to provide a buffer between that post and the others.
That said I will tell you all a tale of my childhood and the time that I caught my man member in the zipper of my footy pajamas. Yes, its true way before Something about Marry, a young boy was zipping up after a bathroom break and did the unthinkable. First off, don’t give me any shit about wearing footy pajamas, because if you were born in the 70s in any state that had a real winter you wore footy pajamas… period. Now, you could ask why at such a young age I was already going commando, but the answer is simple, I’ve always been hard core.
Anyway, so I guess what had happened is I got a little careless with the zipper in my haste to get back to watching the Super Friends. (Ah, that Zan and Jayna, I’m just glad they’re on our side.) Id like to say that it’s a good thing scrotum are already wrinkly… because at least that way there’s a little give. (which reminds me, and forgive the tangent but I think I’ve pretty much perfected the Goat, and the Silk purse and have now moved on to the Bat wing, in preparation for this summers festivities… don’t let me catch you staring.)
On yet another side note the girl and I were talking the other day and she said it was BS that my main man has so many names while the fairer sex does not. I said that for a long time I’ve called him Jimmy Johnson because its seems the most appropriate, if you recall during the late 80s the Big Johnson shirts were all the rage with rural Americans and retards everywhere. While at the same time in Hip-Hop everyone was rapping about using your Jimmy hat. This just so happed to coincide with Jimmy Johnson’s rise to fame with the Dallas Cowboys which made me laugh and so a star was born. Simple right? My other favorite is Mr. Bo Jangles mainly because the song said that he liked to dance and does a mean soft shoe, which I always though was cool.
She maintains that these names seem arbitrary and silly, and asked what would happen if we all referred to the feminine underworld as Phyllis Diller. If used in a sentence, “Sir, would you please unhand Phyllis Diller!” or “Phyllis Diller wants a sandwich!” Which is kind of saucy so I don’t know, maybe it will catch on.
So back to my story of abject humiliation, I went and showed my mom my little problem and she went about trying to free me from my situation. I really don’t remember this part but as we all have moms, I’m sure we can all agree that they can be quite crafty when it comes to problem solving and I’m sure this time was no different. But she was unable to get me out so she did what any mom would do and called… The fire department.
Can you imagine a bright red fire truck with sirens and lights blazing pulling up to your house, because I can. Six guys jumping off the truck in full fire gear and running up to the door all to free my junk from a pajama zipper. And what are you going to do? You got to show it to them right? Well, they didn't have to use the Jaws of Life or anything but eventually they did get me out which was nice. I think I got some reassurance that he would regain normal color someday soon and an impromptu lesson on proper stowing procedure and I then they were on their way. All in all I think I learned a valuable life lesson and started a great relationship with the local FD, who as it turns out would be called out to our place not long after that when my Spiderman web slingers failed to carry me across the alley and I fell from the 2nd story balcony.
Childhood can be a bitch.
That said I will tell you all a tale of my childhood and the time that I caught my man member in the zipper of my footy pajamas. Yes, its true way before Something about Marry, a young boy was zipping up after a bathroom break and did the unthinkable. First off, don’t give me any shit about wearing footy pajamas, because if you were born in the 70s in any state that had a real winter you wore footy pajamas… period. Now, you could ask why at such a young age I was already going commando, but the answer is simple, I’ve always been hard core.
Anyway, so I guess what had happened is I got a little careless with the zipper in my haste to get back to watching the Super Friends. (Ah, that Zan and Jayna, I’m just glad they’re on our side.) Id like to say that it’s a good thing scrotum are already wrinkly… because at least that way there’s a little give. (which reminds me, and forgive the tangent but I think I’ve pretty much perfected the Goat, and the Silk purse and have now moved on to the Bat wing, in preparation for this summers festivities… don’t let me catch you staring.)
On yet another side note the girl and I were talking the other day and she said it was BS that my main man has so many names while the fairer sex does not. I said that for a long time I’ve called him Jimmy Johnson because its seems the most appropriate, if you recall during the late 80s the Big Johnson shirts were all the rage with rural Americans and retards everywhere. While at the same time in Hip-Hop everyone was rapping about using your Jimmy hat. This just so happed to coincide with Jimmy Johnson’s rise to fame with the Dallas Cowboys which made me laugh and so a star was born. Simple right? My other favorite is Mr. Bo Jangles mainly because the song said that he liked to dance and does a mean soft shoe, which I always though was cool.She maintains that these names seem arbitrary and silly, and asked what would happen if we all referred to the feminine underworld as Phyllis Diller. If used in a sentence, “Sir, would you please unhand Phyllis Diller!” or “Phyllis Diller wants a sandwich!” Which is kind of saucy so I don’t know, maybe it will catch on.
So back to my story of abject humiliation, I went and showed my mom my little problem and she went about trying to free me from my situation. I really don’t remember this part but as we all have moms, I’m sure we can all agree that they can be quite crafty when it comes to problem solving and I’m sure this time was no different. But she was unable to get me out so she did what any mom would do and called… The fire department.
Can you imagine a bright red fire truck with sirens and lights blazing pulling up to your house, because I can. Six guys jumping off the truck in full fire gear and running up to the door all to free my junk from a pajama zipper. And what are you going to do? You got to show it to them right? Well, they didn't have to use the Jaws of Life or anything but eventually they did get me out which was nice. I think I got some reassurance that he would regain normal color someday soon and an impromptu lesson on proper stowing procedure and I then they were on their way. All in all I think I learned a valuable life lesson and started a great relationship with the local FD, who as it turns out would be called out to our place not long after that when my Spiderman web slingers failed to carry me across the alley and I fell from the 2nd story balcony.
Childhood can be a bitch.
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