What is this crap?

I will be out of the office Monday, December 18 and returning Tuesday, December 19.

Thanks,
Jeff

555-0567

The search is over

After years of looking I have finally found what I believe to be on of the funniest series from the Penny Arcade. Gentlemen I give you the first appearance of ...

The Fruit Fucker 2000!

More Video

This won't count towards Mike's diva-esque quid-pro-quo demands, but I had to put it up nonetheless. It's from our Northwestern friend in Oregonland. Try to watch it just once. You can't.




It almost gives me a boner like those Dead or Boner: Xtreme Boner 2 videos. Well, it does give me a boner, but it's a different boner.

DOA Extreme 2 makes me feel dirty

As you know I am a proud member of Gamefly thanks to my buddies’ generosity. This week I reached 6 months with the service which entitles me to an additional $5 coupon and 5% discount on any game I purchase and I believe a change in rank from nerd soldier to geek capo. It also means that I now have to pay for it myself so we’ll just see how long this lasts. But before all that happened I had added Dead or Alive Extreme 2 to my game queue and to the delight of my internal 13 year old it arrived this weekend.

For those who don’t know the Dead or Alive series is a fighting game in the same vein of Tekken, Mortal combat, and Soul Caliber. Where random fighters meet for some (usually lame) reason and proceed to beat the shit out of each other. DOA is no different and Id even say sub par due to the control mechanics but what sets it apart is the incredible life like graphics. But how do you follow up a highly successful fighting game? I can almost hear the response to that question in the conference room now…. By having the games female characters show up to an island and play beach games in bikinis?
Fucking brilliant!

And so DOA Extreme 2 was born. I will say that the games intro really sums up the whole game and so it’s easier just to post it than try to describe what I watched. You arrive on the island and are then assigned a “friend” and then you have the option of partaking in various traditional activities such as a jet ski race, volley ball and tug o war to the more original games like pool floaty hop and something called butt bounce (pictured in the intro). Or if all of that sounds too strenuous for you your character has the option if relaxing in various parts of the island. Any choice you make triggers an almost pornographic cut scene where your girl either seductively lotions up by the pool, flops around in the surf like a dying porpoise, or my favorite should chose to relax in the jungle, your girl actually climbs a tree, straddles a large branch and dry humps it.

But wait there’s more, at night you have the option of going to the casino and trying your luck at gambling. There is a choice of games but I preferred poker as your opponents can’t play for shit and have no problem staying in with a pair of 2s. All of this is to apparently earn you cash so you can buy smaller bikinis and various other accessories. XBOX 360 owners, this is how you earn achievement points in the game by buying your lady her favorite swimsuit or hair ribbon not necessarily by winning races or contests.

However there is something else that you can do with your money that I discovered on the web that I thought makes this a must buy for that pre-teen on your X-mas list. Play your cards right, become a high roller and Zack, your host on the island who must be a pimp (he’s black and carries a cane with no obvious limp) will turn you out. I’ll save you the effort of going through all the nerd magic and post that scene as well.

That pretty much sums it all up, I returned the game today mainly because it’s wholly unplayable and I kept having to shower. So unless you’re under 15, have never seen a real woman naked, or live in your mom’s basement I would pass on this one.

Dead or Alive Extreme 2 trailer

This is just silly...

Dead or Alive Extreme 2 Hitomi pole dance

As promised
NOTE: Do NOT open this at work, in front of children, or the wife. Well maybe the wife.

Unrated Directors Cut, my ass

You know I wanted to like the Miami Vice movie I really did. For 3 days I fought off the urge to get it as pay per view while staying in Plano, TX during my first official business trip on the job. Three days in Plano kicking it with guys that liked to call it a night around 8pm. That’s 8pm central time my friends…. Yeah.

So when it finally released on DVD I cruised over the ole Blockbuster and picked it up along with Pulse which is another story all on its own. The commercials promised visceral sex and violence, visceral damn it as in Main Entry: vis·cer·al 3 : dealing with crude or elemental emotions.

I was ready,
Coke and Bacardi… check
Jorgens Skin Firming Moisturizer… check
Kleenex Moist Cloths… check

With Colin Feral in the cast one would expect that he had already hit it with the majority of the on set staff so it seemed a given that some of that would carry over on to the screen. I expected Crockett and Tubbs to be up their necks in strange. Have you ever been to South Beach? I have and that premise shouldn’t have been that hard to pull off. I was hoping to see people hitting it in public a la Hawaii, the tearing of clothes, or the wanton destruction of objects during the course of events. You know where the next day your lady looks at you and makes a bizarre matter a fact statement like “It’s a good thing that you don’t bruise easy.” Or “I never knew you were left handed.” Something like that, but no not so much. During the films 134 minutes we are treated to one breast shot and I mean 1 breast you don’t even get the pair and two ass shots one of which belongs to Jamie Foxx. Toned? Yes. Sexy? Not so much, but then again that’s not how I roll.

As for the violence, there too I was let down. I think I was reading a review where someone added up the actual minutes of “action” in the film and it came in just under 10. Ten fucking minutes of action in a “visceral” action movie. Ill be generous and say there was an additional 10 minutes of sex, add that up and you still have 114 minutes to kill. And they filled it with scenic views of Miami and some shitty South American countries made up to look like Cuba. The other members of the cast are never referred to by name I had to look at the movies entry on imdb to figure out who was who. Most of them have less than four lines in the entire movie or none at all. Apparently Crockett and Tubbs work with mimes. I couldn’t bear to watch it a 2nd time but I swear girl cop #2’s only purpose was to give hard stares and then lead a raid using only hand and arm signals that made no sense, much like people who make up their own phonetic alphabet…. B as in Boy, T as in Tom, A as in Asinine. I fucking hate that and just so you know I go out of my way to correct DMV employees and catalog operators alike.

You know this still could have been a good movie, A History of Violence comes to mind and I doubt that that movie has more than 20 minutes of sex or violence but in that movie you really felt it.

So there’s that.

Sibilance

Check one, two, sibilance...Is this thing on? Check, check.

And Again...

on the return trip. Touche United, touche.

Dear United

Fuck you. And fuck O'Hare while we're at it. Let's go through the numbers. First, you cancel my flight. 2nd, you have 2 agents working at the customer service counter to handle the 300 people in line to rebook cancelled flights. 3rd, you send one on a dinner break. 4th, I tell you I need to be there by 8 AM EST and you say, "We can have you there at 10:15 AM EST". 5th, you finally get me on the 21:10 flight but forget to enter something in the system thereby preventing me from printing a new boarding pass. 6th, this causes me to have to renavigate the line in number 2. 7th, you reschedule the flight to 23:55, then 22:40, then 22:55, then 23:20. Final takeoff time 2335. 8th, you lose my bag you sons of bitches. 9th, you don't deliver it by noon the next day like you say you will. 10th, fuck you again. Congress should have required you bastards to implement some processes that might actually work when you filed for bankruptcy bailout. And don't tell me, "oh it was weather, nothing we could do about that". Innovate motherbitches. Final arrival time to hotel: 0330.
Don't worry about me, I'll just be here waiting for my BAG with my contact lens solution while my eyeballs dry up. 2 months ago this wouldn't have been an issue, but because you cocksuckers won't spend the money for security, you can't tell semtex from Pantene Pro V. In short, in the immortal words of Dick(less) Cheney, go fuck yourselves.

Ms. Gears

A certain comment by a certain commenter about a certain ball-tingling video game character made me go find this:

Squish Mitten

I am posting this for Dylan who apparently has a case of blog-o-phobia. It's debilitating.... We all need a little more Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo in our lives.

Game Thumb

In an ongoing effort to till my work productivity the guys game me a subscription to Gamefly for my birthday. So a big thank you goes out to them for that…. For those of you living two caves down from Osama, Gamefly is the gamer’s version of Netflix which is another work killer. One can spend countless hours on either site selecting or reviewing untold numbers of games or movies.

This was so cool that I had to go out and buy a PS2 to maximize my game playing potential over two separate platforms. (Just in time as well, because the Xbox kicked it just last week…. Hummmm $50 to replace the DVD drive or $499 to buy a 360… what to do, what to do) so now I can use this space to review games as well. Lucky you guys.

But Miguel you say, there are other perhaps more qualified sites that do that already. Perhaps indeed but those sites leave out key factors that you might want to know such as Ratchet & Clank: Up Your Arsenal causes seizures. Yup, I always thought seizures were an urban legend made up by parents to keep their kids mainlining Super Mario Bros. but its true. Not since the days of the original Wolfenstein has a game affected me in such a way.
Damn Obani Moon.

However, that said I fucking love this game and found it to have smooth game play, slick graphics, and a funny story line. Add to that the fact that JZ’s wife has beaten it 5 times gave me a little motivation to kick some Nefarious ass. Due to the upgradeable arsenal of weapons, ships, and armor there is an incentive to replay the game after you’ve finished the original story line which only adds to its value. I’m going to have to give this game 5 out of 5 stars, now if you'll excuse me I’m off to collect some sewer crystals...

This Should Close the Loop on That Whole Mess

I killed the video because I was tired of it playing in the background while reading Miguel's brilliance. I had autoplay set to false, I swear. Anyway, the Oozinator is old news. Now it's all about adding effects to Colbert in a grainy video acting like the Star Wars kid who had effects added to his original grainy video. The snake continues to eat his tail. Film at eleven.

Don't call it a comeback

Man this blog needs a little pick me up just about as badly as I do.

I went back to the gym yesterday for the first time since our cruse to Mexico. I know, I know that was almost a month ago. But I wanted to make sure that I was in shape for the cruse just in case the guys retaliated and gave me a banana sling of my own. Because if they did you know it would have come down to a double dog dare for me to wear it to the ships pool and you know Id have to do it as refusing a double dog dare is tantamount to social suicide. So, I wanted to look good # 1 to preserve whatever dignity one can while wearing a free from ball sack and #2 I thought if I rocked it maybe I cloud get some gay dudes to pay for the ridiculously overpriced ships drinks.

Anyway since then I think the blog and my 24... 12... 0k more like 8 inch guns haven’t received the love they need. Going back to the gym is always fun. I think I lost about 20 pounds and about 4 reps off my bench which means that putting up 150 may have caused some orbital hemorrhaging. Which was cool because they had an eye patch on hand, and for those who know me well know that I love a good eye patch.


This is all some kind of metaphor for saying that Ill try to be better about keeping the blog up to date and stuff. And I hope the other guys will as well.

For You Star Wars Fans

Somehow I missed this one...

Dr. Mr. Guy at the gym,

<-----Is not something that you need before going to the gym. Now I know that working out in a "wife beater" is cool and I have no problem with that. In fact, I'm sure you feel quite liberated in doing so. But why in the name B.A. Baracus would you feel the need to slather J+J's signature product all over you before coming. C'mon, nobody looks like that when they sweat. You were "glistening" and men don't do that. Anybody that's been in the gym for a bit can tell the difference between a sweater and an oiler. The oilers mysteriously have no other telltale signs of sweat just that shiny skin.
So really, why on the day you're doing squats would you come in with that stuff all over your shoulders. I call that out as a safety violation. Plus, I mean, c'mon, it's pretty much all guys in there anyway. I know you were trying to draw attention to your shiny man shoulders, but dude, oil?
I've seen some interesting folks at the gym: obviously the oilers, the girl at 24 hour fitness that had an adam's apple bigger than mine, neck chains guy at the world gym, speedo wearing, tear away pants guy at world gym...
You know, the more I think about it, a lot of these guys put on a show about being the ultimate tough guys. But when you show up in breakaway pants with a speedo underneath and then actually rip them off and pose...Or you show up in a tight-ass wife beater with baby oil slathered all over your body, you want the attention of the other guys in the room. Which is really kind of disturbing. When I go to the gym, I show up work out, and leave. Granted, thanks to Miguel, I do have a nice tangerine number that I could wear, but nobody wants to see that.
So listen all you gym freaks, leave the bedroom stuff at home. Please, for everybody. Leave your baby oil at home for use with your "special" movies. Chains and bondage really have no place in the gym.
And for all that is holy....
please...
no speedos.

FREE WEEKEND PLAY

This game is the Shiznit.... download it and play for free this weekend.

Yeah...I Don't...Uh...Hmm.

Wow.

Did Somebody Say Tokyo Drift?

Miguel mentioned the new F&F film. It's no secret I have been following Formula D ever since a drifting exhibition blew my socks off at the San Jose Grand Prix (San Jose has a grand prix now- apparently Alviso was otherwise engaged). Here's a typical shot of some typically exciting action:

Fuck YEAH. Note the smoke and aggressive angle of attack into the, uh, straight...why the fuck are you sliding down the straightaway? And so the magic of Formula D becomes evident. No goddamn reason, that's why. Utterly and totally pointless. Don't miss the spoiler on that 240SX- lord knows you need downforce...going sideways...at 40 mph. Their car control is admirable, sure, but like an astronaut practicing tantric sex alone on the moon, ultimately pointless. The excitement was so intoxicating my dad got a Type R sticker for his Oldsmobile Intrigue. So when they decided to make a movie about the phenomenon, I said why fucking not? In Tokyo? Perfect, like a baseball game played in Baseballville. I bet somebody uses a samurai sword, too.

Gym Jones

Guys here is the link to that gym modeled on what could only be called the principals of Fight Club. Bellow is an excerpt from their knowledge section:

“What's your problem? I think I know. You see it in the mirror every morning: temptation and doubt hip to hip inside your head. You know it's not supposed to be like this. But you drank the Kool-Aid and dressed yourself up in someone else's life.

You're haunted because you remember having something more. With each drag of the razor you ask yourself why you piss your blood into another man's cup. Working at the job he offered, your future is between his thumb and forefinger. And the necessary accessories, the proclamations of success you thought gave you stability provide your boss security. Your debt encourages acquiescence; the heavy mortgage makes you polite.”


I don’t know if they are new profits or full of shit, I guess that’s for you to decide. What there is no doubt about is that their workouts are no joke, be sure to stop by their video section. I don’t know if it's all a bunch of BS or not but if I lived in LA I’d be tempted to go stand on the porch, just to see what I got.

I 2nd that...

Mike you failed to give the link (hit the rider) to the mega blockbuster which will be released on an unsuspecting public just in time for Valentines Day next year. Im sure that there is a well thought out marketing scheme for that one as well.


Not even Eva Mendez and her hot ass will be able to save this one Im afraid. Oh and that is a hot ass…… ummm nummy. Oh by the way, was that a ghost horse that I saw near the end of the trailer? Just checking.





Lucky me I just turned on TNT and Torque was on. Just in case you didn't know it's the street bike version of the Fast and the Furious. It has an incredible unknown cast that includes Ice Cube. Torque also has never before heard of chase scenes that not only boasted two handed gun play but also a bit where the 2 main characters jump on top of a moving train and then race across it's roof, pure cinematic genius. Hidden gem: Brief cameo where Dane Cook makes an appearance and the Y2K superbike that has a Rolls Royce Allison gas turbine engine. (There' s a featurette on the DVD don’t ask how I know, I just do)













Honorable mention:

Hollow Man 2: Staring Christian Slater and a whole bunch of other out of work actors. Available now at a Hollywood Video near you. There isnt even a trailer for this one. I wonder why?

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: This 3rd installment starts lil Bow Wow (just Bow Wow now) and some other guy. Check the trailer.

Some Movies Should Not Be Made

Hard to follow the anatomical discussions we've had around here lately, but after seeing the trailer for Ghost Rider I felt compelled to post something. I'm not really sure how Hollywood works, but I'm pretty sure a bunch of guys like us sit around and come up with "great ideas". I'll leave the great ideas in quotes because I think you all know how some of these "great ideas" work out. Like the time, Miguel decided to take a trip into the desert alone. Now I'm not going to lay anything at his feet, I'm just trying to frame this right. So there's a bunch of guys that sit around in Hollywood and act as the arbiters for new movie ideas. "Great ideas" like having Bruce Willis play harmonica in a movie. "Great ideas" like having Steven Segal make any more motion pictures. Any. More. Please stop. By my count, he's got 2 already released this calendar year and 4; 4; 4; in production. Those are to be released this year. That may be a record actually. Oh, and he's got one filming for next year. To add insult to injury, when Big Steve isn't saving Eskimos/young ladies/kicking bad guy ass/eating, he's layin' down some mean chops in his (I shit you not) blues band. Does Steve have no one that will tell him the truth?
Then there's poor Wesley Snipes. He was great in Blade and The Art of War. Short on talk big on ass kicking. Let's check the book to see Wesley's '06 stats. Ah! What do you know! Wesley is hot on Big Steve's tail with 3 released this year, 1 more in production for this year and 2 already lined up for 2007. We're talking hundreds of dollars for Wesley here based on Detonator, The Marksman and 7 Seconds. By the way, I actually fast forwarded through 7 Seconds to the end. That's how bad the movie was. But I digress.
This brings me to two movies that don't need to be made. #1 Roadhouse 2: Last Call. That's right kids, Roadhouse 2 because the original Roadhouse was so good. Really, Jake Busey as the bad guy? C'mon. Even the movie preview guy with the cool voice was probably like, "Are you freakin' kidding me? I have to read this crap?" Of course, I'll see it anyway, because it has to be seen, the Swayze or no.
Which brings us back to Ghost Rider. If there's one thing that really gets me in the 21st Century it's too much CGI. Not only that, by the looks of the trailer, we can also tack on my second pet peeve: cheesy CGI. Here's the deal, if you can't get an actor to play the main character but have to use CGI for a good portion of the movie, it's a kid's movie. Just animate that shit and release it as such. Comic books are comic books for a reason. If you have a completely CGI character like the Hulk, or say Ghost Rider, why do you even bother signing on as an actor. What the hell was Nick Cage thinking? And Sam "No One Can Grow A 'Stache Like Me, Bitch" Elliot reading the voice over? Well, I think you know. The movie preview guy quit after reading too many for Big Steve, Wesley, and the straw that broke his back, Roadhouse 2.

In Keeping With the Editorial Direction of this Endeavor...

...here is a picture of my package:


Even more exciting than owning a turquoise-and-yellow banana hammock is the knowledge that I will now receive the International Male catalog (and, one can only hope, its subsidiaries such as the swimsuit edition of "Gear") for the rest of my goddamn life. I guess it's a rite of passage to incur such a fate at the hands of one of you pricks, so thanks. Thanks for that.

By my calculations, we've had three cock-related posts in a row by three different authors. That leaves only one. He knows who he is. Care to make it a straight* flush?

*Note: there is nothing straight about any of this. I'm off to shave my taint. Although, it's a little scary that I'm less hairy than Dylan's Joy of Sex Brand Lifelike Vagina. Seriously, was the Internet closed that day? Did you find that on DARPANET?

What's in a name?

Apparently the guys have some reservations about posting after Dylan dropped his literary bomb on us. I too must admit that I have some concerns; I mean how do you follow up a post that includes a sex toy and a large picture of a swarthy vagina? You really can’t, so this post will just be filler in order to provide a buffer between that post and the others.

That said I will tell you all a tale of my childhood and the time that I caught my man member in the zipper of my footy pajamas. Yes, its true way before Something about Marry, a young boy was zipping up after a bathroom break and did the unthinkable. First off, don’t give me any shit about wearing footy pajamas, because if you were born in the 70s in any state that had a real winter you wore footy pajamas… period. Now, you could ask why at such a young age I was already going commando, but the answer is simple, I’ve always been hard core.

Anyway, so I guess what had happened is I got a little careless with the zipper in my haste to get back to watching the Super Friends. (Ah, that Zan and Jayna, I’m just glad they’re on our side.) Id like to say that it’s a good thing scrotum are already wrinkly… because at least that way there’s a little give. (which reminds me, and forgive the tangent but I think I’ve pretty much perfected the Goat, and the Silk purse and have now moved on to the Bat wing, in preparation for this summers festivities… don’t let me catch you staring.)

On yet another side note the girl and I were talking the other day and she said it was BS that my main man has so many names while the fairer sex does not. I said that for a long time I’ve called him Jimmy Johnson because its seems the most appropriate, if you recall during the late 80s the Big Johnson shirts were all the rage with rural Americans and retards everywhere. While at the same time in Hip-Hop everyone was rapping about using your Jimmy hat. This just so happed to coincide with Jimmy Johnson’s rise to fame with the Dallas Cowboys which made me laugh and so a star was born. Simple right? My other favorite is Mr. Bo Jangles mainly because the song said that he liked to dance and does a mean soft shoe, which I always though was cool.

She maintains that these names seem arbitrary and silly, and asked what would happen if we all referred to the feminine underworld as Phyllis Diller. If used in a sentence, “Sir, would you please unhand Phyllis Diller!” or “Phyllis Diller wants a sandwich!” Which is kind of saucy so I don’t know, maybe it will catch on.

So back to my story of abject humiliation, I went and showed my mom my little problem and she went about trying to free me from my situation. I really don’t remember this part but as we all have moms, I’m sure we can all agree that they can be quite crafty when it comes to problem solving and I’m sure this time was no different. But she was unable to get me out so she did what any mom would do and called… The fire department.

Can you imagine a bright red fire truck with sirens and lights blazing pulling up to your house, because I can. Six guys jumping off the truck in full fire gear and running up to the door all to free my junk from a pajama zipper. And what are you going to do? You got to show it to them right? Well, they didn't have to use the Jaws of Life or anything but eventually they did get me out which was nice. I think I got some reassurance that he would regain normal color someday soon and an impromptu lesson on proper stowing procedure and I then they were on their way. All in all I think I learned a valuable life lesson and started a great relationship with the local FD, who as it turns out would be called out to our place not long after that when my Spiderman web slingers failed to carry me across the alley and I fell from the 2nd story balcony.
Childhood can be a bitch.

Why I Love Arizona

You don't need a special permit to own automatic weapons...at least I don't think you do...

This was last night's entertainment. After a 5 min drive into the desert behind the house.

No, Mike, I still don't have cable or watch tv, we spent all the money on cases of .223 ammo :)

When it got dark, we used the night lazer mounted on the rails.


Please make special note of the fosters oil can, the special ops insignia on the shirt breast and the oakley razor blades.

That's why I love AZ.

My wife is at a dildo party

best girls-only dildo party - SAFINA

Sex-toy company SAFINA has a dream: to make their "Sexories" a household presence on par with Tupperware—and, in homage to those other durable plastic products, Safina's wares are sold in ladies' living rooms- cum-sex salons across the city. Hostesses are encouraged to welcome friends over for bagels, lox, and lube in exchange for a few freebies. Products include gloves with stitched-in vibrators, edible oils, and "dildos you can smile at." -Rachel Sklar

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

She actually is.

I asked her to take the camera, but she wouldn't...I would have.

I'll blog about it when she returns...until then, I'll be sitting in my aeron chair, with my damn cat licking my arm, typing out lame blogs to the likes of you homos.

Dammit!!

Why am I not at a dildo party with a bunch of tipsy suburban squeezeboxes?


Continuing on with the saga of the Dildo Party (AKA Slumberparty). This is what she bought me.

It's a pocket pussy of sorts. It's too big to fit in my pocket, but it feels like a real vaj (In the vernacular of Marty). I'm not kidding. I think this is a great breakthrough for man-kind. For years, women have had the vibrator, that stimulates the clit,






Now, we've got something that is far superior to the knuckle shuffle on the piss-pump.







Gentlemen,



I give you the CoquaSock.

The ultimate in silicone self-pleasure apparatus.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Coqua - Latin for - female cook
Sock - Latin for - To Hit or Beat Someone or Something.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>





Yeah, man. It's good stuff.

The big selling point for me, was that it made waste disposal very convenient. Kim pointed this out. You know me and my predilections towards pinchin off the tube.

You just make a deposit, hold the free-running end and do the troll walk to the bathroom, where you empty it into the bathtub drain, your sisters shampoo bottle or your choice of congealed food products.

Another selling feature was that you can pull it and make it feel like a bj. I've had lots of fun with this action.

When you have it on, it takes you back to fantasies of Olivia Newton John. It looks like a big pink leg warmer...on your weiner. Either a big pink leg warmer or a california roll of placenta. Not sure which. Depends on the fantasy.

I know Martin Luther The King, Cesar Chavez, Che Guevara, Zsa Zsa Gabor and many other Freedom Fighters would be proud to see this in action. They would quietly smile and say that all of their life's work was not in vain, for now we are free, free at last.

Get Yer Hip Waders, She's A Bleedin'

Let me pon-tificate on the finer points of fecal flushing, doo-doo drainage, pee-pee perculators and mucking out swollen pads.


2 weeks ago, I had 3 lovely ladies come to visit for 4 days. This breaks the 3-day fish rule, but I didn't mind, because I got to be the cock of the walk, in a house with 4 women...walking around in towels, sipping vodka and giggling about body hair.

2 days ago I wrote a check for ~$2,000 to two smiling plumbers who wore muck boots, rubber gloves and smelled like the underside of an applebees table. They giggled about feminine napkins and made poopie humor.

How do these two disparate pictures come together? Let me get the photoshop running and I'll cut and paste it for you.

One of the nasty little vixens was mensing about the house and not telling anyone. She was so clandestine in her menstrual mission that she was flushing all incriminating evidence down the toilet. Little did she know... we're on a septic system, it just goes into the backyard.

The strain of 5 people showering, 4 loads of laundry, 3 mexican laborers running the water and 2 days of 100+ heat caused the tampons to swell, septic lines to clog and the sanitary pads to cling mightily to the shiney black inner diameter of the pvc pipes that are my septic system.

The basic design of your run of the mill Tampax is all about capturing moisture and swelling to prevent leakage. Did you know that a single pax can swell to fill a 2" inner diameter pipe?

The basic premise of a maxi-pad is to absorb moisture, swell up, stick to stuff and sometimes use as a shoulder pad for your laptop case, when you're travelling. Did you know that they can splay themselves out like a spider in the outback, held together by the tendons of adhesive stripes?

Let's review, up to this point:

1. 4 Girls
2. 1 Mystery Menser
3. 1 Septic System
4. 100gal/person/day = 500 gallons of water/day flushed into a 1500 gallon septic tank...that's no longer draining because of Septic Sanitar-rorists.
5. On day 4 the max capacity of the tank is reached and the fun begins.

Little by little, the water crept back at the house. Dishwasher water mixed with chunky aqua dukey, shower suds mingled with tootpaste foam and it began to get angry.

I didn't know what frothy brown joy awaited me until our housekeeper, Lupita was running the dishwasher, the washing machine and was cleaning all the toilets. She came huffing into my office, while I was on a conference call, talking about the "seeenk...ees kaa kaatha."

I thought she wanted some formula 409, so I motioned to the hall closet and continued on my telephonic rampage du jour. She pulled me into the master bathroom, where I got to witness a fecal bouillabaise that was simmering in my Roman Tub.

Yum. Where's my spoon?

I took a mental diagram of what little I knew about septic systems and figured that a high volume of water had just been dumped down it's throat and it was probably reeling, like a stuffed pig, about to regurgitate the slop. Little did I know.

I grabbed the trusty 5 gallon busket of Drain-o....and another....and another.

I bought a "snake" and felt like a man for about 15 minutes, cranking, snorting and cursing the alleged "hairball" until it produced nothing. Then I felt like a soggy schmuck, with black-brown-piss-water dripping on my pumas, from the unsatisfied snake.

I called the plumber. He brought in video snake. Video snake showed me that 'Yes, your pipes are clogged....see how I can't see anything any more...?' That was $460.

Then I called the septic guys to clean and drain my tank. They dug a big-ass hole in the back yard, to get the lid off of the "stew pot." Actually, it was more like a "pressure cooker" in the 104 degree Yuma summer....

When they dug it up, the lid to the septic tank hissed and sprayed like a can of chocolate mountain dew.

The septic suckers informed me that the septic was full because the leach lines were blocked.

That was $535.

They told me that it'd probably be about $10,000 to replace the leach lines.

That was free.

The plumber comes back with his majic video snake of dollar signs, shows me that my leach lines are blocked and offers to clean them out with his aqua jetter for a mere $1,000. Sounds better than $10,000.

At the end of the day, they pulled out 2 tampons, 2 pads and a few fresh kotex wrappers.




I'm still wondering if I should make menstrual mentor mention to these little manx's about the proper pad & pon etiquette when staying as a guest.


Maybe I need a sign that says:



>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Don't flush pax, pons or pads, please. please.

Don't drop the jelly donut down the white hole.

Leave it on the floor, walk into the room and scream, "Oh my god, the cat killed a mouse...I'll clean it up!" "Wow, that's three mice today...good job Miles."

"I've been hit!! Get me a pressure dressing...nevermind, found one."

Anything...but please don't flush the pads, pons or pax.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Perhaps a poem:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Month indeed, when you start to bleed,
You can be so neat & be discreet.
Don't wear white pants and try to dance.
Put it wherever you want, sister.
Just don't flush that blood blister.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Oozinator - The questionable Super Soaker

I know that this product has been around for a little while now but I just couldn’t help but add this post. Hasbro has created a super soaker that encourages kids to “Sneak up on their opponents with a surprise bio-ooze attack!” What is going on in this world? Barbie has made Ken her bitch, the Marlboro Man is on a leave of absence, and now young males are out tossing bio-ooze at each other. And just was is this “bio-ooze” anyway, a thinly veiled euphemism for ejaculate or the newest weapons system for the future? You got me, but watch the video and then make up your own mind.

Now Hasbro does make 2 claims that I thought were worth researching regarding the Oozinators firing mechanism and payload capability and after hours of exhausting research this is what I found:

According to Hasbro the Oozinator is an air-powered blaster that lets you drench your opponents with powerful blasts of globs of gooey bio-ooze! Humm interesting, my own bio-cannon is not air powered although the charging system is quite similar. Id also like to say during trials held at my apartment, I found the Oozinator’s power equal to that of the amount of pumping or charging that went into it and my own bio weapon was no different so there is no advantage to either device.

Hasbro also claims that the Oozinator when used properly can engage targets up to 20 feet away and has a 10-ounce bio-ooze capacity! Now here I am blown away because science tells me that a normal payload for this type of weapon may contain anywhere from half a teaspoon to a tablespoon worth of bio-ooze. So with 1 tablespoon = 0.5 fluid ounces the Oozinator produces some 9.5 oz. more bio-ooze than the average bio-blaster of this type.

Then there’s that distance thing… The Oozinator is combat effective up to 20 ft. which may seem daunting at first , however being prior service I know that given the correct conditions of 1 months abstinence while in the field + 1 bottle Jergens (original cherry-almond scent) moisturizer + a Thai hooker, I too have reached distances as far as 5 to 6 ft. which, I personally feel is note worthy.

So really it comes down to a preference in fighting styles, are you looking for a mid-rage weapon or a CQB tool of destruction? For me the choice is clear. While the Oozinator may have some battlefield advantages it isn’t particularly stealthy nor will it fit in you pocket. Also while I agree that any weapon system should cause a bit of fear or trepidation in your opponent no one wants a look of disgust when they whip out their bio-weapon. The only thing worse would be laughter, but that is another topic all together. Trust me, you will be pulling no ladies with the Oozinator, meaning that it may appeal to young boys but only as long as they believe that girls have kooties. After that much like wrist rockets and the Nerf cannon it's a forgettable weapons platform.

Army Logic

It wasn’t long ago during another one of my random adventures that I found myself in Klamath Falls OR a small, Bush loving, shot gun toting community just north of the California border. Strolling down the town main street I came across the Army recruiting office and felt compelled to take this picture. Sure, there are several interpretations one could derive from our buddy, like “Man, I just ate the Chili Mac and it gave me some bad gas!” or (and in my opinion the more likely) “Holy shit! An IED has just punctured my lung and I think its collapsing!”

Had they been open you know that I would have gone in there to fuck with them especially now that I know The Pentagon is considering asking Congress to double the enlistment bonus from $20,000 to $40,000 and to raise the age limit for Army active-duty service from 35 to 40. 40… the normal age for military retirement is now an acceptable age for enlistment. Remember when the age limit was 32? Oh yeah, recruitment must be going real well these days.

So I decided to do some investigative reporting and encountered what can only be called Army logic, I checked 3 sites Military.com, the Washington Post, and the Army homepage. Bellow is a brief synopsis of what I found:

June 3, 2005 WASHINGTON - Embroiled in scandal and facing rising death tolls in Iraq, U.S. Army recruiters are facing serious challenges as they attempt to reach their goal of 80,000 new recruits by October (2005).

"What we have is a recruiting problem," said Charles Pena, director of defense policy studies at the Cato Institute. "The question is whether or not it becomes a recruiting crisis."

Defense Department figures at the end of April showed that 35,926 recruits had signed up this fiscal year, which began last Oct. 1. This gives recruiters four months to sign up another 44,000 to meet their goal. Even worse is the number of reserves. Statistics show that 7,283 reserves have signed up. The goal is for 22,175 by the end of the year.

Steadily rising U.S. casualties in Iraq, the recent allegations of prisoner mistreatment at Guantanamo Bay and the permanent stain of Abu Ghraib have all taken their toll on recruitment drives. And young men and women are not exactly banging down recruiting-station doors to join the army.

The Army missed its May active-duty recruiting goal of 6,700 by 1,661 recruits, pushing the shortfall for fiscal 2005 to 8,321 -- or more than a month's worth of recruits. The shortfall would have been 37 percent if the Army had not lowered its May goal. Overall, the Army has sent 40,964 enlistees to boot camp, and has four months to nearly double that figure to reach the 80,000 goal for this fiscal year.

The sluggish flow of enlistments means that Army boot camps are less than half full -- training at 46 percent of their capacity this month, compared with 91 percent in May 2004, said Harvey Perritt, spokesman for the Army's Training and Doctrine Command. For example, the Army's infantry the Army's infantry training center at Fort Benning, Ga., had by May trained only 8,700 of its fiscal year goal of 24,500 infantrymen. The Army can meet its goals only with a "massive influx of recruits" to boot camp this summer, Perritt said.

Well thank God for small miracles, because according to the Army:

The active-duty Army gained 8,710 new Soldiers into its ranks in September, exceeding that month’s goal of 8,365 by 345. Fiscal year 2005 active-duty Army recruitment goals stood at 92 percent complete, with 73,373 new Soldiers joining the force. The mission goal was to recruit 80,000.

The Army Reserve accessed 2,208 Soldiers into its ranks during September, exceeding its goal by 190 Soldiers. At the end of fiscal year 2005, the Reserves Army accessed 23,859 Soldiers, 84 percent of its mission goal of 28,485.

The Army National Guard gained 6,048 Soldiers in September, 98 percent of its monthly goal of 6,148. A total of 50,219 Soldiers joined the Guard’s ranks by the end of the fiscal year, 80 percent of its recruitment goal of 63,002.


Now, it’s a little know fact that advanced math produces a psychosomatic reaction in me that causes my balls to itch, however, I can say with certainty that I don’t even feel so much as a tingle when I tell you that this means Army recruiters managed to all but double their results of the last 8 months in just half the time. And while that feat is in itself amazing it does beg the question, where did all these people come from?

Well, we all know the Army and if you need recruits you're not going to let a little thing like standards get in the way. What’s that? The minimal ASVAB requirements are too high and recruitment is down, lets lower it. What require a high school diploma for entry into the service and miss out on our biggest demographic, the uneducated poor? No way, I say a lack of education should be seen as a real plus here and not as a bar to enlistment. SOF PT standards are too tough, let’s lower them as well, hell lets just let Joes off the street enlist as Special Forces, I mean it’s not like it’s an elite unit that requires months to years of training for or anything like that.

It’s ridiculous and sad. Im proud to have served but I am increasing worried about the fate of the Army and those who still serve. Now more than ever Im glad to be just a regular guy.

AMA SUPERBIKE May 21st at Infineon

Jesus Balloon

So there was I was, no shit, leaving Tracy this morning. I look up in the sky and I see what I thought looked like a floating Jesus on a cloud. That made me think that maybe I should drink coffee in the mornings, but no, it really was a floating Jesus. A Jesus hot air balloon. I'll write that again. A Jesus hot air balloon. It freaked me out man. Turns out it was made by this company and is dedicated to the "glory of our Lord". Right. Anyway, turns out you can pay for a ride on our Lord and Saviour at the Tracy Airport to commemorate National Day of Prayer. You know I'm leaving work early today...

HOSTEL... a review of sorts

Last night instead of doing my laundry I decided to watch Hostel the Eli Roth film produced by everybody’s boy Quentin. I have to say that I was surprised to find that I really liked the film.
Hostel tells the story of 3 backpackers Josh, Paxton, and Oli (By the way, this Oli is way cooler than the Oli we know because he scores a lot of hot Euro tail. Still as I immediately felt a connection with this character I was slightly conflicted. On the one hand engaging in a 3 way with 2 Chech girls is cool but then I couldn’t help but feel a responsibility to shout at the screen “Oli don’t bang that Euro skank… you don’t know where she’s been! At least wear a condom!” You know Oli, always a fan of the bareback.)
What was I saying..?
So these 3 guys are traveling through Europe and making a point to smoke or bang anything that gets in their way. It's During their visit to Amsterdam that they’re told about this out of the way hostel in Slovakia where the local ladies are more than willing to accept any male companionship that might turn up. So of course they go check it out and it’s not long after their arrival that the finger-chopping, Achilles heel-slashing, blood-soaked apron wearing begins. Oh and then there was that part with the drill…UGH!
Good stuff I’m telling you. There is even a cameo by Takashi Miike who plays a satisfied customer. In comparison to his films this one is tame, so if you wanted something a little more visceral or are just a fan of piano wire may I suggest The Audition.
All in all for its fun and hedonistic portrayal of backpackers, babes, drugs, and all that torture stuff in an exotic far away locals I give it 2 thumbs up.

Pass the neck chains and body oil

Rumor has it that there is some “killer workout” floating around out there. Personally I’d like to see what that’s all about if it’s all the same to you guys. I’ve been working out on the fairly consistent side for just over a month now. The current resurgence was partially driven by “supplements” which I’ve since stopped using and a visit to the WB site. Odd I know but just go with me on this….
I was looking for info on Batman Begins (2) and I went to the WB site and instead found a link to The 300. Which if you’re into movie making or like to see the DVD bonus features before the film is not to be missed. In one of the featurettes they discuss the physical training for the actors and how they never repeated the same workout routine, which I found interesting. So I set out to vary my own routine.

For the first two weeks I did what I would call my normal workout and then I dug through my storage closet and found the mother of all workout tomes Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Encyclopedia of Modern Bodybuilding. I have the dirty 70’s version not the cleaned up prissy ass PC new one. There are 3 levels of workouts with step by step guides and pictures to mold you into to pure steel. I have never ventured too far from the basic work out and given that roids shrink your balls and give you acne I doubt I ever will. But It’s a fantastic book full of old skool exercises. If you ever wanted to fuck with the would be gym tough guys ( the ones who make a lot of noise while attempting to life the entire weight stack on a machine while using poor form) adding any one of the following exercises to your workout will easily do the trick: Deadlifts, Bent over Rows, Barbell Clean and Press, or Standing Triceps Extensions with Barbell. No one does these anymore, at least not at 24 and nothing says I will eat your babies like a well executed clean and press followed by a crazy stare.
This week I’m starting some crazy ergo crap I pulled from my Men’s Health days. But I’m always looking for something new so if you want to post your own workout or would like the Govanator’s special recipe for strenf let me know and I will post it as well.

We've got 'em on the run!

Well I’m glad to see that this space is getting soooo much use.
Anyway I actually have a lot to gripe about these says so it shouldn’t be empty for long. I’ve been working on my Goodrich T and I think it’s just about done. I had to reduce a lot of the detail, making the transfer a little easier but I think I like it more this way. I don’t know maybe it doesn’t need the large BF, perhaps that is inherently understood. Then again maybe not.
Let me know what you think.

Weiner Is His Name...

And cuttin' mufukkas is his game. I saw ol' "Look at my" Weiner today and he gave me the green light for resuming the consumption of alcoholic beverages. I thanked the Doc for his steady hands and he told me to lose weight and quit being such a pussbag about my liver. I thanked him again for his steady hands.
I had a feeling things would go well. Before I left, I opened the mail, and there by God was a letter from Prager. We all know how I feel about the Prager. They were writing to remind me to update my CC info before the April 25th shipment of liquid heaven. Prager knows, they always know.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled progamming....

Just a 1st draft

Striking fear in the hearts of gamers everywhere...

Hey Miguel...

Why haven't you posted the Photoshop job that spawned this thing's name? I think we owe it to our readers. I'm calling you out.

TV Party Tonight

Why wouldn't Henry Rollins have a show on IFC? It's a silly question. The second episode of the new season is tonight, and my Tivo is fired UP. If you missed the first one- here's a recap. (Disclaimer: I like Henry Rollins and his work, even though his post-Black Flag output ranged from raw and honest to we-get-the-fucking-point-already, so I'm not making too much fun of him here. Honest.)

The show had four segments. First, a sit-down with Oliver Stone. Not much to mention here, except for Henry's posture. He's at the edge of his seat, back straight, in case this gap-toothed slob violates the punk ethos and Henry has to throw the fuck down.





Next, my favorite. It's a mildly amusing open letter to Laura Bush. Far, far more amusing is the setting. Henry writes from a bombed-out squatter's mansion while in the bathtub. On a Powerbook. It's so goddamned bleak, Henry has to eat salt.




In fact, he's so far off the square, workaday, running-water and wallpapered grid, Henry dries his hands on one of those moebius strip hand towels you'll find in finer NASCAR-themed tavern bathrooms. If that doesn't scream hard core, you're just not listening anymore.



After that, it went downhill. How could it not, though? Approaching that level of self-parody really takes it out of a host. Sleater-Kinney, who I just plain don't fucking get, performed. Henry paid sarcastic tribute to the Blackberry. Then he gave props to a filmmaker who worked with gay themes far before Brokeback Mountain. This may have been the most real Rollins moment- calling out a popular culture touchstone by reminding everyone that underground filmmakers and musicians have been doing shit waaaay more innovative long before it bubbles up, watered-down and blessed by US weekly. Like I said, I'm looking forward to tonight's episode. Chuck D is on. He's a smart guy and may get Rollins to loosen up more than Stone did.

I Love This Picture

From Deadspin. Perfect form. I remember from my golf lessons that you want your gut, cigarette and club head to all line up in the same direction.

Yeah, well- at least I updated this thing.

Hello and Welcome

After tense and heated salary negotiations, I am happy to announce I am a contributor to the Yellow Lightning Web 2.0 Sporadic Content Creation Team. And Mike, thanks for taking on that second mortgage- as long as Bernanke's wife keeps wearing those Luftwaffe officer uniforms during "strafing", that weekly adjustable rate feature should be no big deal. Oh, I kid- that's a different family with the Nazi fetish.

Time for the gratitude. Who to thank...who to thank...ah, of course. No important life event, momentous or trivial, should occur without thanks to our Lord and Savior. Thanks, Jesus (call me!).

And maybe even more important than the divine blessing of J. Whillikers C. (bear with me, Kurt Warner), is someone I've known since at least the seventh grade. My friend, my companion, my life partner: literacy. Without him, well...let's just say you wouldn't be reading this. On that note, let us not forget that like the Republican party, this website is a website of inclusion, not exclusion. So, to all of our illiterate readers, allow me to say "Big Mac french fries taco supreme bus stop." Call me! Oh, right...you'll probably want to start with the middle button on the bottom row.

Now, I am off to spot Miguel's straight-leg deadlifts. Toodles.

Dead to Me Like Juanito

I'm going to have to abandon the Jalapeno Burger. I don't know if it's just Carl's in the Central Valley or I just have bad luck, but the JB hasn't been good the last couple times. When I get a $7 JB combo, that shit better be piping hot when I break it open, however, I've been left wanting the last couple times. Today was no different. I got my JB Combo in the Manteca and flew home. Upon opening the package I discovered it was not as warm as it should have been. Therefore, let it be known, that the JB is dead to me like Juanito. It's just not worth all the running I have to do to stay at a neutral calorie level to have a lukewarm JB. That is all.

Who's got the juice?

I’d just like to say that that Mikes statements referring to my being on the sauce may have been unfounded…. Ok maybe not, but it’s only creatine and not ephedra, or zedrine, or any of that shit from Xyience. And in my defense it was just sitting there on top of my refrigerator from the last time I thought that I needed to get more out of my gym membership.

In truth taking creatine is kind of like willingly drinking base beverage powder, fruit punch, 1 each… bland in flavor and heavy on texture. Ive gone as far as to use hot water to help the power dissolve easier, so now Im drinking hot fruit punch, which is odd but not as grainy going down. Id like to think of it as a tasty fruit tea.

Once I get to the gym Id like to say that there are a few things that really piss me off, most of them have to do with other people slowing down my workout. People who have no appreciation for the fact that I’ve filled my body with vitamins and other supplements that will occasionally cause an uncontrollable eye twitch that would make Vega proud.

People who bring reading material to the gym- Unlike taking a shit, exercising actually requires your participation; you want to read go find some porcelain, otherwise... get to it.

Pretenders to the throne- We all know those guys who load up the bar with all kinds of weight that they know they can’t lift. Not only do they use up all the plates in the weight stack slowing your workout but then they do some sorry ass half reps. Then they act all tough about their unaccomplishment… I hate these guys, I hope they tear a peck.

Gym Macs- Yes, I know it works. Most if not all the women at the gym have some kind of self image problem, thus making them prime targets for your lame ass lines skillfully crafted in to “work out tips”. Save that shit for the sauna, spa, and steam room and get the hell off the lat-pull down machine, Im tweaking over here and I aint got time for your bull.

Well that’s it for now… all this fiber Ive been eating lately is tearing me up inside, I gotta go.

On the Sauce Again

So Miguel is on "the sauce" again. He gets crazy on the sauce. The first time he was on the sauce, he called me after a solid hour at the gym, still pumped up and ready to rip apart phone books. The best part was, he was so crazed he kept making noises, like little shouts. I alternated between concern and laughter. In the end I went with laughter. I know it's hard to believe, but this is Miguel on the sauce. It's rough on the eyes and you can't unsee that, but it is what it is. I'm just glad he's got a wholesome diet while getting back to the gym. I know that the wrong diet, combined with the sauce can wreak havoc on you. God help the neighbor girl's boyfriend if he knocks on the door again at 10 PM...

Jalapeno Brick Burger

I too had one the other day and man I felt heavy for a good two hours. Did you go for the $6 nonsense like I did? I know you did. You know you did. The only thing it's lacking is bacon.

Lunch time...

Mike-
I just had another one of those tasty fucken jalapeño burgers… thought of you.