Unrated Directors Cut, my ass

You know I wanted to like the Miami Vice movie I really did. For 3 days I fought off the urge to get it as pay per view while staying in Plano, TX during my first official business trip on the job. Three days in Plano kicking it with guys that liked to call it a night around 8pm. That’s 8pm central time my friends…. Yeah.

So when it finally released on DVD I cruised over the ole Blockbuster and picked it up along with Pulse which is another story all on its own. The commercials promised visceral sex and violence, visceral damn it as in Main Entry: vis·cer·al 3 : dealing with crude or elemental emotions.

I was ready,
Coke and Bacardi… check
Jorgens Skin Firming Moisturizer… check
Kleenex Moist Cloths… check

With Colin Feral in the cast one would expect that he had already hit it with the majority of the on set staff so it seemed a given that some of that would carry over on to the screen. I expected Crockett and Tubbs to be up their necks in strange. Have you ever been to South Beach? I have and that premise shouldn’t have been that hard to pull off. I was hoping to see people hitting it in public a la Hawaii, the tearing of clothes, or the wanton destruction of objects during the course of events. You know where the next day your lady looks at you and makes a bizarre matter a fact statement like “It’s a good thing that you don’t bruise easy.” Or “I never knew you were left handed.” Something like that, but no not so much. During the films 134 minutes we are treated to one breast shot and I mean 1 breast you don’t even get the pair and two ass shots one of which belongs to Jamie Foxx. Toned? Yes. Sexy? Not so much, but then again that’s not how I roll.

As for the violence, there too I was let down. I think I was reading a review where someone added up the actual minutes of “action” in the film and it came in just under 10. Ten fucking minutes of action in a “visceral” action movie. Ill be generous and say there was an additional 10 minutes of sex, add that up and you still have 114 minutes to kill. And they filled it with scenic views of Miami and some shitty South American countries made up to look like Cuba. The other members of the cast are never referred to by name I had to look at the movies entry on imdb to figure out who was who. Most of them have less than four lines in the entire movie or none at all. Apparently Crockett and Tubbs work with mimes. I couldn’t bear to watch it a 2nd time but I swear girl cop #2’s only purpose was to give hard stares and then lead a raid using only hand and arm signals that made no sense, much like people who make up their own phonetic alphabet…. B as in Boy, T as in Tom, A as in Asinine. I fucking hate that and just so you know I go out of my way to correct DMV employees and catalog operators alike.

You know this still could have been a good movie, A History of Violence comes to mind and I doubt that that movie has more than 20 minutes of sex or violence but in that movie you really felt it.

So there’s that.