Tuesday, January 23, 2007

So You're Thinking of Getting a Tattoo...

My advice, and I'm far from an expert, would be to NOT get one that says STEP BACK in four-inch letters across your stomach visible from, say, 30 rows up at an IFL event if you ever plan on getting knocked out in 44 seconds by a baby-faced college kid with a passion for striking. Again- not an expert.


TigerSharks FTW!!1!1!!

Thursday, January 04, 2007

No Seriously

Is every older male actor coming out with a rehash movie from their respective haydays? We've got Harrison Ford with Indiana Jones Quatro where he and his loveable old man, played by Sir Sean Connery KBE, battle aliens and Nazis with Indiana's grown son, played by the Rock. It's the feel good film of the summer. We have the 60 year old Stallone giving it one more shot in Rocky 15 where he battles aliens and black people, "get those alien sons a bitches Rock". Which brings me to, finally, Matty's boy Bruce Willis who once again, by some sheer bad luck is forced to save the world from computer nerds or aliens or bank robbers or Alan Rickman. I'm not really sure. Apparently the movie only has 1 maybe 2 lines judging by the preview. Some of you may think this is revolutionary, but it's not. See any Wesley Snipes film in the last few years. 2 pages of script, 60 pages of "action". So, without further ado, I give you possibly, the toughest tough guy movie of the decade.


Die Hard or Die Harder


It's FIGHT NIGHT Bitches


Yes that's right its Fight Night gentlemen... So before you say anything please refer to the chart bellow.

Excuse #1
No money
Solved
Tickets are already paid for

Excuse #2
No Time
Solved
We’re two weeks out

Excuse #3
No Kitchen pass
Pending


You have two weeks my friends, two weeks to convince the little woman that a man day is sorely needed. I have faith in you both.

So let the wives know that you won’t be home for dinner, but that when you do return you'll be pumped full of testosterone.

And while I will not take any responsibility for what the two of you may do next, if it involves chocolate syrup, whipped cream, fuzzy cuffs, spontaneous outdoor nudity, or latex / leather in any form I would like a little credit.
Maybe a simple tip of the hat or a nice card.

Mr. Goodrich, Mr. Cake...

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Fantastic 4: Rise Of The Silver Surfer

Oh yes they’re back in what I would almost call a retro sequel. This film has got to be lame if they choose to show us 90 seconds of chase scene. And you can't tell me we haven't seen the suffer someplace else say..... oh I don’t know.... T2 perhaps? However, I am not surprised especially since the first one was "an underwhelming pic that's anything but fantastic." Which boasted "A Third-rate director leading a flick filled with TV actors, cheap special effects, and a margarine script that's light on entertaining calories and high on the bland taste." Man even that review was lame. Maybe we should get into the review business..... Now there’s a thought.