Shipwreck says: "You fucking landlubbers better not end an English sentence with a preposition...or Cobra wins and I will kill you with lead poisoning, if you do not die of massive blood loss first. ¡Salty Talk! tip of the day: Damn is spelled with a silent "n". Only the word "damnable" has the "n" sound in the spelling enunciated, and only use that word if you are a limey poofter in the House of Lords giving a speech. Yo Joe! Shipwreck...out."
Anyways, I've been brushing up on foreign languages while listening to instructional podcasts. Mainly, I'm trying to get good enough at Russian to woo Olga, the Slavic vision that is the new bartendress at my favorite bar and loves speaking Russian with me. I am at he end of my abilities but I still am trying to figure out how to say, по русский of course, "¿Voulez-vous coucher avec moi (ce soir)?"
So, it struck me, "None of these fucking podcasts teach me how to unleash an unending string of goddamn expletives that would make a sailor blush and teach those foreigners not to give me any shit lest they get cursed...the...hell...out!" Also, after this epiphany, I realized that I could not say Donkey Punch in any language except English, what am I to do at a bar when I get really intoxicated and, shall we say, a bit randy? How is one to learn to come onto foreign women with propositions that would make Caligula blush? The Smiths fans much?
So, I found a calling. ¡Salty Talk! - I have a degree in English Lit. but no one wants to learn about bullshit like run on sentences, comma splices, verbs, nouns, and other aspects of language - public high school is proof of that. Come on, you KP guys did it with your KATUSAs - "Hey, how do I tell a woman I want to put [my "X"] into [her "Y"]?" "What do I say to to someone who cut me off?" "What primal yelp is appropriate to utter prior to beating the ass of the person burning an American flag outside of Yong-San's front gate...do I use "ooseyo" or "ha ra" infix?" "How do I impune somebody's honor besides not using honorifics when required or calling them Japanese?" "Do you have any worse epithet in your goddamn language besides "son of a dog"?"
A podcast devoted solely to the underbelly of modern US English, it will teach foreign English language learners how to truly master the idiom. Some episodes I have thought of so far:
"Fuck! The best friend to the learner of English as a verbal weapon"- noun, verb, adverb, adjective; the truly omnipresent word of the English Language...it is a crutch for the novice to lean heavily on and also the basis of expanding the repertoire
"Assorted Curse Words: Scatology and parts of the body" - well, anything I can think of that does not fall under the act of coitus
"Asshole, Cunt, Dick, Bitch - English has no gender...except when it comes to tearing someone a proverbial new one" - gender specific cursewords, we wouldn't want the new immigrants taking your IT jobs to sound silly calling a woman an asshole or a man a cunt
"Wet Dog in a Bathtub and the Alabama Hot Pocket (both definitions)" - surefire, overt come-ons for the ladies
"Wicked stupid or totally stupid? Depends on if you are in Boston or LA" - Let's get regional
"Innuendo - It's not an Italian suppository anymore!" - how to woo ladies without a lawsuit or, when rejected, be able to claim plausible deniability and that they are dreaming that you would find them attractive without a bag over their head
"Shizzle, Pizimp, Playah...Hip-Hop synonyms and false cognates for other curse and regular words." - I'll win the fucking Nobel for linguistics with this one
"Fucking Shit!", Part 1 of 2- compounding four-letter words
"Shitting Fuck!", Part 2 of 2 - common pitfalls and mistakes in the over-exhuberant use of cursewords and how to avoid them
"Blow Me, Fuck You, Eat Me, Kiss my Ass..." - When sexual come-ons are not used for that purpose, how to insult without leaving doubt as to whether you want someone to do something very profane to themselves or that you want a relationship.
I've thought of some other stuff as well but I know nothing about the mechanics of podcasting...help a brother out! How much bandwidth do I need and what are domains costing these days? I've also got many more show ideas and the t-shirts I will sell on Cafe Press are going to be a hit, nothing but that course, ancient Anglo-Saxon terminology that rears it ugly head when you hit your thumb with a hammer.
Maybe we could have a vlog or start a channel on YouTube. Thoughts on the how-to's or content would be greatly fucking appreciated
5 comments:
Coop,
That is some funny-ass shit. I'm all for it. I especially liked the common pitfalls section. I'm sure we could find out some info on podcasting, though I think a weekly vlog feature would be a riot. You could have some cheezy powerpoint preso's you could use as well.
I think the mascot should be Shipwreck from GI Joe, or Jack Nicholson's character in that film where he's escorting Randy Quaid to the brig. Can't remember the name, but they're all sailors.
Coop,
That's exactly what I'm talkin' 'bout. Nothing says Fuck You like Shipwreck in his night watch cap.
I wanted a pic with him in his old school Village People denims with the parrot, but Shipwreck looks badass...period. He is the Chuck Norris of G.I. Joe; he does not sleep, he waits. He's obviously opening fire, purely as a motivator, on a class of English learners refusing to use the ¡Salty Talk! method. Nothing motivates someone to yell "shit", and desist from using "damnable" ever, like a pissed sailor opening fire.
Very interesting Cooper...
Say, can you drop me a line at:
anarcho-capitalists@hush.com
Thanx!
Talk soon...
Cheers...
Putty Tat
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