DOA Extreme 2 makes me feel dirty

As you know I am a proud member of Gamefly thanks to my buddies’ generosity. This week I reached 6 months with the service which entitles me to an additional $5 coupon and 5% discount on any game I purchase and I believe a change in rank from nerd soldier to geek capo. It also means that I now have to pay for it myself so we’ll just see how long this lasts. But before all that happened I had added Dead or Alive Extreme 2 to my game queue and to the delight of my internal 13 year old it arrived this weekend.

For those who don’t know the Dead or Alive series is a fighting game in the same vein of Tekken, Mortal combat, and Soul Caliber. Where random fighters meet for some (usually lame) reason and proceed to beat the shit out of each other. DOA is no different and Id even say sub par due to the control mechanics but what sets it apart is the incredible life like graphics. But how do you follow up a highly successful fighting game? I can almost hear the response to that question in the conference room now…. By having the games female characters show up to an island and play beach games in bikinis?
Fucking brilliant!

And so DOA Extreme 2 was born. I will say that the games intro really sums up the whole game and so it’s easier just to post it than try to describe what I watched. You arrive on the island and are then assigned a “friend” and then you have the option of partaking in various traditional activities such as a jet ski race, volley ball and tug o war to the more original games like pool floaty hop and something called butt bounce (pictured in the intro). Or if all of that sounds too strenuous for you your character has the option if relaxing in various parts of the island. Any choice you make triggers an almost pornographic cut scene where your girl either seductively lotions up by the pool, flops around in the surf like a dying porpoise, or my favorite should chose to relax in the jungle, your girl actually climbs a tree, straddles a large branch and dry humps it.

But wait there’s more, at night you have the option of going to the casino and trying your luck at gambling. There is a choice of games but I preferred poker as your opponents can’t play for shit and have no problem staying in with a pair of 2s. All of this is to apparently earn you cash so you can buy smaller bikinis and various other accessories. XBOX 360 owners, this is how you earn achievement points in the game by buying your lady her favorite swimsuit or hair ribbon not necessarily by winning races or contests.

However there is something else that you can do with your money that I discovered on the web that I thought makes this a must buy for that pre-teen on your X-mas list. Play your cards right, become a high roller and Zack, your host on the island who must be a pimp (he’s black and carries a cane with no obvious limp) will turn you out. I’ll save you the effort of going through all the nerd magic and post that scene as well.

That pretty much sums it all up, I returned the game today mainly because it’s wholly unplayable and I kept having to shower. So unless you’re under 15, have never seen a real woman naked, or live in your mom’s basement I would pass on this one.

Dead or Alive Extreme 2 trailer

This is just silly...

Dead or Alive Extreme 2 Hitomi pole dance

As promised
NOTE: Do NOT open this at work, in front of children, or the wife. Well maybe the wife.

Unrated Directors Cut, my ass

You know I wanted to like the Miami Vice movie I really did. For 3 days I fought off the urge to get it as pay per view while staying in Plano, TX during my first official business trip on the job. Three days in Plano kicking it with guys that liked to call it a night around 8pm. That’s 8pm central time my friends…. Yeah.

So when it finally released on DVD I cruised over the ole Blockbuster and picked it up along with Pulse which is another story all on its own. The commercials promised visceral sex and violence, visceral damn it as in Main Entry: vis·cer·al 3 : dealing with crude or elemental emotions.

I was ready,
Coke and Bacardi… check
Jorgens Skin Firming Moisturizer… check
Kleenex Moist Cloths… check

With Colin Feral in the cast one would expect that he had already hit it with the majority of the on set staff so it seemed a given that some of that would carry over on to the screen. I expected Crockett and Tubbs to be up their necks in strange. Have you ever been to South Beach? I have and that premise shouldn’t have been that hard to pull off. I was hoping to see people hitting it in public a la Hawaii, the tearing of clothes, or the wanton destruction of objects during the course of events. You know where the next day your lady looks at you and makes a bizarre matter a fact statement like “It’s a good thing that you don’t bruise easy.” Or “I never knew you were left handed.” Something like that, but no not so much. During the films 134 minutes we are treated to one breast shot and I mean 1 breast you don’t even get the pair and two ass shots one of which belongs to Jamie Foxx. Toned? Yes. Sexy? Not so much, but then again that’s not how I roll.

As for the violence, there too I was let down. I think I was reading a review where someone added up the actual minutes of “action” in the film and it came in just under 10. Ten fucking minutes of action in a “visceral” action movie. Ill be generous and say there was an additional 10 minutes of sex, add that up and you still have 114 minutes to kill. And they filled it with scenic views of Miami and some shitty South American countries made up to look like Cuba. The other members of the cast are never referred to by name I had to look at the movies entry on imdb to figure out who was who. Most of them have less than four lines in the entire movie or none at all. Apparently Crockett and Tubbs work with mimes. I couldn’t bear to watch it a 2nd time but I swear girl cop #2’s only purpose was to give hard stares and then lead a raid using only hand and arm signals that made no sense, much like people who make up their own phonetic alphabet…. B as in Boy, T as in Tom, A as in Asinine. I fucking hate that and just so you know I go out of my way to correct DMV employees and catalog operators alike.

You know this still could have been a good movie, A History of Violence comes to mind and I doubt that that movie has more than 20 minutes of sex or violence but in that movie you really felt it.

So there’s that.

Sibilance

Check one, two, sibilance...Is this thing on? Check, check.

And Again...

on the return trip. Touche United, touche.

Dear United

Fuck you. And fuck O'Hare while we're at it. Let's go through the numbers. First, you cancel my flight. 2nd, you have 2 agents working at the customer service counter to handle the 300 people in line to rebook cancelled flights. 3rd, you send one on a dinner break. 4th, I tell you I need to be there by 8 AM EST and you say, "We can have you there at 10:15 AM EST". 5th, you finally get me on the 21:10 flight but forget to enter something in the system thereby preventing me from printing a new boarding pass. 6th, this causes me to have to renavigate the line in number 2. 7th, you reschedule the flight to 23:55, then 22:40, then 22:55, then 23:20. Final takeoff time 2335. 8th, you lose my bag you sons of bitches. 9th, you don't deliver it by noon the next day like you say you will. 10th, fuck you again. Congress should have required you bastards to implement some processes that might actually work when you filed for bankruptcy bailout. And don't tell me, "oh it was weather, nothing we could do about that". Innovate motherbitches. Final arrival time to hotel: 0330.
Don't worry about me, I'll just be here waiting for my BAG with my contact lens solution while my eyeballs dry up. 2 months ago this wouldn't have been an issue, but because you cocksuckers won't spend the money for security, you can't tell semtex from Pantene Pro V. In short, in the immortal words of Dick(less) Cheney, go fuck yourselves.