So, I work at a manufacturing plant with lots of heavy machinery, forklifts with their beeping back-up signals, welders popping and sizzling when cutting or joining metal. Along with these noises comes the constant sound of Dallas' own 93.3 The Bone. Now I like classic rock in small doses but I can only hear Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song", "Kashmir", "Stairway to Heaven" so many times before I have daydreams in differing hues of red. Foghat is nice but not every hour during a repeat playlist. ZZ Top and AC/DC are also good but I do not want to hear every fucking song they ever made in the course of one day...for five straight days.
So, I work near the heaviest and thus loudest of all the machinery in the whole shop and need something to get over that noise as well as Steely Dan songs. I had searched high and low for something to both bring music to my ears over the noise of the deafening roar of a 36" lathe cutting metal, and a hone that once was aboard a battleship used to smooth out the bores of naval cannon and now polishes the inside of pipes as well as pretty much gain aural hegemony in the workplace. And it had to have an AUX jack for my iPod so I can return the favor to my co-workers and inflict upon them my music tastes in return for theirs.
What did I find at Fry's normally marked $320 but was reduced to $120 as an open box return sans remote? Yes that's right...The JVC KaBoom!.
It is essentially two subwoofers attached to a small radio and is the neutron bomb of portable audio. This thing will make women have miscarriages, hearts palpitate, and, more importantly, fills the air with the soundtrack from "2001: A Space Odyssey" at such a volume that no one dare try and compete with their radio even when Eric Clapton's "Cocaine" comes on. Co-workers were in awe as the first notes of The Misfits' "Last Caress" wafted through the building followed by such eclectic selections as "La Habanera" from Bizet's opera "Carmen" and three different covers of Gary Glitter's "Do You Wanna Touch Me (There)?" by Crud, Joan Jett, and The Bobbyteens. My coworkers would in vain escalate and turn their radios up to challenge my B.F.R. only to have me inch up the subwoofers separate volume control and then the main volume; my iPod was already set for optimal bass. Game...set...match, bitches!
Soon, they were reduced to cowering around their puny radios, like homeless around a burning trash barrel for warmth, to hear anything by .38 Special, Stevie Ray Vaughn, or John Mellencamp (before he added the Cougar then dropped it then added it again...I think, but I can't keep up with shiftless people and their names) and escape the unrelenting onslaught of Metallica, Wagner (Das Rheingold), The Ramones and Willie Nelson iPod playlists.
As Conan said, the greatest joys in life are, "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women." I would add to this list the gnashing of teeth, rending of clothes, and beating of chests out of despair and now, begging for rather than an audio free-for-all as what is now the case, the other employees have conspired and asked the plant manager about each person being designated a day when they pick the radio station to be played over the company PA and disallow any personal audio devices. Ahhh! The tears of your defeat are sweeter than ambrosia my fellow hirelings!
3 comments:
Coop,
You delivered on that one. "B.F.R."-priceless. I'm glad you set the bar high starting with the Misfits. Well done. The only thing better would have been to start off with Code Blue from TSOL. If you've not heard, I suggest you check it out here: http://www.truesoundsofliberty.com/downloads.htm
It's a gem and guaranteed to prevent your coworkers from ever questioning you again.
Yeah, I thought of that one but decided against it. I read the employee handbook which restricted music to no profanity and no talk radio. The former I could care less about but the second is a good thing since I work with people that probably would listen to asshats like Rush Limbaugh.
I did however play "Bend Over I'll Drive" by The Cramps. I also played Rammstein's "Heirate mich" (not that anyone there would have understood it) which is about a man visiting the grave of his dead love everynight and then digs her up to...well, heirate mich is German for marry me, as in a command.
Hahahaha, hilarious. The other track of course, would be to put "Best of the 80's" on heavy rotation. But I'm sure you'd only be able to handle that yourself for so long.
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