Get Yer Hip Waders, She's A Bleedin'

Let me pon-tificate on the finer points of fecal flushing, doo-doo drainage, pee-pee perculators and mucking out swollen pads.


2 weeks ago, I had 3 lovely ladies come to visit for 4 days. This breaks the 3-day fish rule, but I didn't mind, because I got to be the cock of the walk, in a house with 4 women...walking around in towels, sipping vodka and giggling about body hair.

2 days ago I wrote a check for ~$2,000 to two smiling plumbers who wore muck boots, rubber gloves and smelled like the underside of an applebees table. They giggled about feminine napkins and made poopie humor.

How do these two disparate pictures come together? Let me get the photoshop running and I'll cut and paste it for you.

One of the nasty little vixens was mensing about the house and not telling anyone. She was so clandestine in her menstrual mission that she was flushing all incriminating evidence down the toilet. Little did she know... we're on a septic system, it just goes into the backyard.

The strain of 5 people showering, 4 loads of laundry, 3 mexican laborers running the water and 2 days of 100+ heat caused the tampons to swell, septic lines to clog and the sanitary pads to cling mightily to the shiney black inner diameter of the pvc pipes that are my septic system.

The basic design of your run of the mill Tampax is all about capturing moisture and swelling to prevent leakage. Did you know that a single pax can swell to fill a 2" inner diameter pipe?

The basic premise of a maxi-pad is to absorb moisture, swell up, stick to stuff and sometimes use as a shoulder pad for your laptop case, when you're travelling. Did you know that they can splay themselves out like a spider in the outback, held together by the tendons of adhesive stripes?

Let's review, up to this point:

1. 4 Girls
2. 1 Mystery Menser
3. 1 Septic System
4. 100gal/person/day = 500 gallons of water/day flushed into a 1500 gallon septic tank...that's no longer draining because of Septic Sanitar-rorists.
5. On day 4 the max capacity of the tank is reached and the fun begins.

Little by little, the water crept back at the house. Dishwasher water mixed with chunky aqua dukey, shower suds mingled with tootpaste foam and it began to get angry.

I didn't know what frothy brown joy awaited me until our housekeeper, Lupita was running the dishwasher, the washing machine and was cleaning all the toilets. She came huffing into my office, while I was on a conference call, talking about the "seeenk...ees kaa kaatha."

I thought she wanted some formula 409, so I motioned to the hall closet and continued on my telephonic rampage du jour. She pulled me into the master bathroom, where I got to witness a fecal bouillabaise that was simmering in my Roman Tub.

Yum. Where's my spoon?

I took a mental diagram of what little I knew about septic systems and figured that a high volume of water had just been dumped down it's throat and it was probably reeling, like a stuffed pig, about to regurgitate the slop. Little did I know.

I grabbed the trusty 5 gallon busket of Drain-o....and another....and another.

I bought a "snake" and felt like a man for about 15 minutes, cranking, snorting and cursing the alleged "hairball" until it produced nothing. Then I felt like a soggy schmuck, with black-brown-piss-water dripping on my pumas, from the unsatisfied snake.

I called the plumber. He brought in video snake. Video snake showed me that 'Yes, your pipes are clogged....see how I can't see anything any more...?' That was $460.

Then I called the septic guys to clean and drain my tank. They dug a big-ass hole in the back yard, to get the lid off of the "stew pot." Actually, it was more like a "pressure cooker" in the 104 degree Yuma summer....

When they dug it up, the lid to the septic tank hissed and sprayed like a can of chocolate mountain dew.

The septic suckers informed me that the septic was full because the leach lines were blocked.

That was $535.

They told me that it'd probably be about $10,000 to replace the leach lines.

That was free.

The plumber comes back with his majic video snake of dollar signs, shows me that my leach lines are blocked and offers to clean them out with his aqua jetter for a mere $1,000. Sounds better than $10,000.

At the end of the day, they pulled out 2 tampons, 2 pads and a few fresh kotex wrappers.




I'm still wondering if I should make menstrual mentor mention to these little manx's about the proper pad & pon etiquette when staying as a guest.


Maybe I need a sign that says:



>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Don't flush pax, pons or pads, please. please.

Don't drop the jelly donut down the white hole.

Leave it on the floor, walk into the room and scream, "Oh my god, the cat killed a mouse...I'll clean it up!" "Wow, that's three mice today...good job Miles."

"I've been hit!! Get me a pressure dressing...nevermind, found one."

Anything...but please don't flush the pads, pons or pax.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Perhaps a poem:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Month indeed, when you start to bleed,
You can be so neat & be discreet.
Don't wear white pants and try to dance.
Put it wherever you want, sister.
Just don't flush that blood blister.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>