Oozinator - The questionable Super Soaker

I know that this product has been around for a little while now but I just couldn’t help but add this post. Hasbro has created a super soaker that encourages kids to “Sneak up on their opponents with a surprise bio-ooze attack!” What is going on in this world? Barbie has made Ken her bitch, the Marlboro Man is on a leave of absence, and now young males are out tossing bio-ooze at each other. And just was is this “bio-ooze” anyway, a thinly veiled euphemism for ejaculate or the newest weapons system for the future? You got me, but watch the video and then make up your own mind.

Now Hasbro does make 2 claims that I thought were worth researching regarding the Oozinators firing mechanism and payload capability and after hours of exhausting research this is what I found:

According to Hasbro the Oozinator is an air-powered blaster that lets you drench your opponents with powerful blasts of globs of gooey bio-ooze! Humm interesting, my own bio-cannon is not air powered although the charging system is quite similar. Id also like to say during trials held at my apartment, I found the Oozinator’s power equal to that of the amount of pumping or charging that went into it and my own bio weapon was no different so there is no advantage to either device.

Hasbro also claims that the Oozinator when used properly can engage targets up to 20 feet away and has a 10-ounce bio-ooze capacity! Now here I am blown away because science tells me that a normal payload for this type of weapon may contain anywhere from half a teaspoon to a tablespoon worth of bio-ooze. So with 1 tablespoon = 0.5 fluid ounces the Oozinator produces some 9.5 oz. more bio-ooze than the average bio-blaster of this type.

Then there’s that distance thing… The Oozinator is combat effective up to 20 ft. which may seem daunting at first , however being prior service I know that given the correct conditions of 1 months abstinence while in the field + 1 bottle Jergens (original cherry-almond scent) moisturizer + a Thai hooker, I too have reached distances as far as 5 to 6 ft. which, I personally feel is note worthy.

So really it comes down to a preference in fighting styles, are you looking for a mid-rage weapon or a CQB tool of destruction? For me the choice is clear. While the Oozinator may have some battlefield advantages it isn’t particularly stealthy nor will it fit in you pocket. Also while I agree that any weapon system should cause a bit of fear or trepidation in your opponent no one wants a look of disgust when they whip out their bio-weapon. The only thing worse would be laughter, but that is another topic all together. Trust me, you will be pulling no ladies with the Oozinator, meaning that it may appeal to young boys but only as long as they believe that girls have kooties. After that much like wrist rockets and the Nerf cannon it's a forgettable weapons platform.